Friends Season 12
by Cybermals
Summary: Continuation from Season 11.  Please R&R, updates on Thursdays.
1. The One With The Wedding Plans

_**Previously on Friends:**_

Ross: Rachel Greene…will you marry me?

_Ross opens the box, to reveal his grandmother's engagement ring. Rachel sobs as she nods her head._

Rachel: Yes! Yes I will!

_Ross stands up, and slides the ring onto Rachel's finger. Rachel hugs Ross._

Ross (whispering): I love you, Rachel.

Rachel (whispering): I love you too, Ross.

_Rachel leans back and kisses Ross passionately. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica and Chandler are asleep in bed. Chandler wakes up as his phone starts to beep, and checks the screen to see a text message from Ross that reads "Cover your ears!" Monica's cell phone rings._

Monica (sleepily): Hello?

_Rachel screams from the other end._

Rachel: WE'RE ENGAGED!

Monica: Oh my god!

_Monica starts screaming. Scene shifts to Central Perk. Rachel is screaming into her phone. Ross is standing nearby, ears covered. Ross looks down to see a text message from Chandler that reads "Thanks a lot!" Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Monica is sitting in the armchair. Chandler and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table._

Rachel: I can't believe we're finally engaged!

Phoebe: I know; this is so exciting! My lobsters are finally getting married!

Ross: Again.

_Rachel hits Ross._

Rachel: Be quiet! I'm not counting that Vegas wedding, & neither should you!

Ross: Okay, okay! I won't count it.

Chandler: You DO know which name to say this time, right?

Ross (sarcastically): No, Chandler. Why don't you coach me a little, so I make sure I get it right this time?

Chandler: Start by repeating after me: Rachel, Rachel, Rachel…

Ross: Mon?

_Monica throws a muffin at Chandler._

Chandler and Mike: Hey!

Ross: Thanks.

Mike: Don't get me in the middle of this, I didn't do anything!

Phoebe: You got me knocked up with this parasite. You're guilty of that.

Monica: Hey, so did Chandler! You wanna hit them?

Phoebe: Ooh! Let's do that!

Chandler: Uh, Mike? You wanna start running right now?

Mike: Great idea.

_Chandler and Mike run out the door, Monica and Phoebe behind them._

Rachel: And I was gonna ask her to help me plan the wedding.

_Enter Monica._

Monica: I can do that!

Ross: Do you have dog ears, or something?

Rachel: And what happened to beating on Chandler?

Monica: Phoebe can do that for me. Planning! Let's get started!

Ross: Uh, Mon, you ARE aware we haven't even set a date yet, right?

Monica: Uh huh. This is why I did all the work for you. Take a look!

_Monica pulls out a binder from behind a pillow._

Ross: Do you keep these things stashed around the coffee shop, or something?

Monica: Hey, you don't know when a good, organized, color coded plan is gonna be needed!

_Ross looks at Rachel._

Ross: You wanna tell her, or should I?

Monica: Tell me what?

Rachel: We kinda…went with another wedding planner.

Monica: Yeah. Me! See? I have my plans already color-coded!

Rachel: No, Mon. A PROFESSIONAL planner.

_Monica frowns._

Monica: Oh. Well, if that's the way you two want it…

_Monica closes the binder, stands up, and walks out. Rachel turns to Ross._

Rachel: She took it better than I expected.

Ross: I don't think we're done with her yet.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are sitting at the table, looking through wedding brochures. Enter Annette._

Annette: Hey, guys.

Ross and Rachel (distractedly): Hey.

Annette: Is there a reason why Mike and Chandler are sitting on the fire escape, refusing to come down?

Rachel: Monica and Phoebe. (to Ross) Oh, honey! How about this one?

_Ross looks at the pamphlet Rachel shows him, and then glares at her._

Ross: Only if you can live with Emma going to a community college, or riding on a scholarship.

Rachel: It's not that expensive!

Ross: Rachel, if we owned a house, we'd be refinancing it to be able to afford that wedding!

Annette: Hey, why not ask Mo-

Rachel: Don't even say it! She's been lurking nearby for the last hour, waiting for Ross and me to say she can plan the wedding.

Annette: So why don't you let her?

Ross: Would YOU want her micro-managing your wedding?

_A pause._

Annette: Point made.

_Ross smiles._

Rachel: Honey, how about this one?

Ross: Is this guy charging by the hour, or by the wedding?

Rachel: Wedding, I think. Why?

Ross: Look at the price! What's he doing, booking Gracie Manor?

_Rachel points to a line. Ross leans in to read it._

Ross: Oh wow, he IS booking Gracie Manor!

Annette: Have you guys seen or talked to Joey today?

Rachel: No. Last time we checked the refrigerator, it was full. So we know he hasn't been over here today.

Annette: Dammit, where is he?

Ross: Why?

Annette: Because I need to talk to him.

Ross: Oh, you mean about you confessing your love for him?

_Annette glares at Rachel._

Annette: You really can't keep a secret, can you?

Ross: Uh, actually, Joey told me.

Annette: HE can't keep a secret, can he? Soon as I find him, I'm gonna kiss him, and then KILL him!

Ross: He'll die happy.

_Annette walks for the door._

Annette: Don't wait up.

Ross and Rachel (distractedly): Have fun.

_Annette leaves. Rachel looks at Ross._

Rachel: You think we should call Joey and warn him?

Ross: Nah. He'll do fine on his own. Hey, how about this one?

_Rachel looks at the pamphlet, and glares at Ross._

Rachel: A chapel wedding?

Ross: It's traditional!

Rachel: It's cheap!

Ross: Maybe we should let Mon-

Rachel: Finish that sentence, and you won't be getting any for a MONTH.

_Ross closes his mouth. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is sitting on the couch, bouncing Jack and Erica on his knees. Enter Monica._

Monica: THERE you are!

_Chandler stands up._

Chandler: Back off, woman! I have babies, and I'm not afraid to use them!

Monica: I have a parasite in my belly, and pregnancy hormones!

Chandler: I have dirty diapers!

_A pause. _

Monica: Truce?

Chandler: Truce.

_Monica nods. Chandler sits down with the twins._

Chandler: What're you doing home? I thought you were trying to convince Rachel and Ross to let you plan the wedding.

Monica: Nah, that got old and boring. I'd much rather be at home with my loving family.

Chandler: They still won't let you do it, huh?

Monica (whining): No…I really wanna plan this too, Chandler!

Chandler: Why?

Monica: Because it's ROSS and RACHEL. I've had their wedding in my mind since he was a stuttering goof around her.

Chandler: Speaking of stuttering goofs, have you seen Joey at all today?

Monica: No, why?

Chandler: Annette's been calling, looking for him.

Monica: Oh. Nope, haven't seen him. But enough about Johnny…

Chandler: Joey.

Monica: That's what I said. Anyway, help me plot ways to get Ross and Rachel to agree to let me plan their wedding.

Chandler: What? No!

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because it's their wedding, & they can do it themselves.

Monica: Listen, mister, you better help me plan this, or you're-

_Monica takes Jack, sets him next to Erica, and turns back to Chandler._

Monica: -gonna be in a lot of trouble!

Chandler: Ooh, I'm SO scared.

Monica: Chandler, two words: pregnancy hormones.

_A pause._

Chandler: So, when did you wanna start planning?

Monica: I knew you'd see things my way.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is standing by the stove, cooking dinner. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey.

Annette: Joey!

_Annette hugs Joey._

Annette: Oh my god, where have you been all day?

Joey: Over at Alex's, fixing her sink.

Annette: Why didn't you call me?

Joey: I did call! I even left a message on the machine.

Annette: Going "beep beep beep beep" into the machine is NOT leaving a message.

Joey: It was code.

Annette: Code for what? The robot upstairs?

_Joey gasps._

Joey: How do you know about Robby?

_Annette stares at Joey._

Annette: I feel like I'm losing brain cells for every second I spend in this conversation.

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: I need a man!

Joey: How YOU doin?

Rachel: Oh, good. Joey's here.

_Rachel begins beating on Joey._

Joey: Ow! What're you doing?

Rachel: I need a man to beat on.

Joey: So go beat on Ross!

Rachel: I can't, Emma's still awake.

Joey: Annette, help!

Annette: Okay.

_Annette proceeds to beat on Joey with Rachel._

Joey: Not what I meant!

Annette: Then be specific next time!

Joey: You two are crazy! I'm getting out of here!

_Joey runs out the door. Annette turns to Rachel._

Annette: Well, that was fun. We should do it more often.

Rachel: Maybe when you and Joey start planning your wedding.

Annette: From your mouth to God's ear.

_Rachel laughs. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Mike is sitting in the chair at the end table. Annette is working at the counter._

Monica: I'm hot.

Phoebe: I'm thirsty.

_Mike and Chandler jump up, and run for the counter. Rachel looks at Monica and Phoebe._

Rachel: How long are you gonna make them jump for your things?

Phoebe: Until it stops being fun.

Rachel: So about ten years after the kids leave for college?

Monica: I was thinking fifteen years.

Rachel: I'm going for twenty.

Monica: Yeah, but that's because you have Ross wrapped around your little finger.

Rachel: I do not!

_Monica glares._

Rachel: Okay, maybe a little.

Mike: Here's a lemonade for you.

Chandler: And a paper fan to cool yourself off with.

Phoebe: I'm not thirsty anymore.

Monica: And now I'm cold.

_Mike and Chandler walk away._

Mike: You know they're doing this to mess with us, right?

Chandler: Oh, I know. Ross warned me about it when Carol and Rachel were pregnant.

_Monica gasps._

Monica: They know! (to Rachel) You won't be marrying Ross.

Rachel: What? Why not?

Monica: Because we're going to KILL him. He told our husbands our pregnancy secrets!

_Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey honey, I got a couple of wedding plans I want yo-

_Monica and Phoebe begin to beat on Ross._

Ross: OW! OW! OW! What did I do?

Monica: You told our husbands our pregnancy secrets!

Phoebe: And you smell good, but I'm gonna hit you anyway!

Ross: Rach! Call them off!

Rachel: No, I'm good.

Ross: Annette! Little help!

Annette: I would, but I'm having too much fun watching you get hit.

Ross: Mike! Chandler!

Mike: No way, man.

Chandler: Oh, I would, but I don't wanna.

Ross: Rachel made a mess in the apartment, and Pottery Barn's on fire!

_Monica and Phoebe run out the door. Ross sighs._

Ross: What was THAT all about?

Chandler: You remember the pregnancy secrets you told us about?

Ross: Yeah.

Mike: They found out about it.

_Enter Monica._

Monica: Ross, you liar! There's no mess up there!

Ross: Did you even GO up there?

Monica: No. I know when you're lying. You have a tell.

_Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Ross, you fibbed! I didn't see any fire trucks!

Ross: Sorry. Anyway, honey, I need you to look at these plans, tell me which you like best.

Rachel: Oh, sure.

_Rachel looks at the brochures, before throwing them on the coffee table in disgust._

Rachel: Ross, these are HORRIBLE! They're all cheap!

Ross: Fine, Monica can plan our wedding!

Rachel: What? No!

Ross: Why not?

Rachel: Because…we…sorta made a deal when we were kids.

Annette: What kind of deal?

Rachel: That if I ever married Ross…Monica could plan the wedding.

Monica: Oh my god, you're talking about the deal that Millie Fitzberger caught us pinky-swearing about under the jungle gym! I forgot about that!

Rachel: You're still not doing it!

Monica: Hey! A deal was a deal, missy!

Rachel: Oh, come on! We were kids, I didn't seriously think that I was gonna be married to Ross!

Monica: Doesn't matter, I get to plan your wedding!

Rachel: You do not! We were kids!

Annette: Doesn't matter, you pinky-swore. She gets to plan.

Rachel: Dammit!

_Monica jumps up and down with joy. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey guys, guess what I-

_Joey pauses, seeing Monica jumping up and down._

Chandler: Joey.

_No response._

Chandler: Joey!

Joey: Yo!

Chandler: What the hell was that?

Joey: What?

Chandler: You were staring at my wife's chest!

Joey: She was jumping up and down!

_A pause._

Chandler: Okay, yeah.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: Honey, you were jumping up and down. What did you think Joey was gonna do?

Monica: Okay, before I kill you both, what did you wanna tell us, Joey?

Joey: Oh, yeah! I got two tickets to go see the Spider-Man musical! (to Annette) Are you doing anything tonight?

Annette: Why, so you can take one of those cheap harlots you work with, while I'm stuck at home watching the kids again? I can't believe you, Tribbiani! After all we've been through, after the confession I made, you think you can just-

_Joey kisses Annette passionately. Annette stares at Joey in bewilderment._

Joey: I was going to ask if you wanted to be my date tonight. And maybe something more.

_Annette looks at Joey, wide-eyed._

Annette: What are you asking me?

Joey: Annette Peters…will you be my girlfriend?

_Annette leaps into Joey's arms._

Annette: Yes! Oh my god, Joey, YES!

_Joey hugs Annette close to him._

Annette (whispering): What took you so damn long?

Joey (whispering): There was a special on pizzas at Dominos.

_Annette laughs and kisses Joey. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, watching TV._

Mike: Man, what a day, huh?

Phoebe: I know. My lobsters are engaged, Monica gets to plan the wedding, and Joey and Annette are now together…I feel like I'm in a musical!

Mike: Just don't start dancing.

Phoebe: Why not?

Mike: Because you're pregnant. I don't want you to hurt yourself.

Phoebe: Awww…you're so sweet.

_Phoebe and Mike kiss._

Mike: Hey, I just realized something.

Phoebe: What's that?

Mike: If Joey and Annette get married, this gang will be related to each other in some way. We'll be one big, happy family.

Phoebe: Ooh! We'll be like the Brady Bunch!

**(A/N I'm BACK, bitches! Many of you may be wondering why I'm starting this a month early. To answer that, my vacation plans for September & Dragon*Con came crashing down. I don't wanna go into details. All that matters is we're rolling right along into Season 12.**

**I won't go into heavy detail about this season (spoilers!), but I will say this: be prepared for one HELL of a ride. Are you ready? Good. Let's go!)**


	2. The One With The Body Swapping

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table, looking through wedding magazines. Ross is sitting on the couch, reading a National Geographic._

Monica: Oh, here's an idea! At the end of the ceremony, we release a bunch of doves into the air signifying your-

Ross: No.

Monica: Okay, how about a hot air balloon in the shape of a-

Ross: No.

Rachel: Ross, you have been doing nothing for the last 2 hours but shoot down ideas. Don't you have anything better to say?

Ross: Okay, I wanted to surprise you with it, but for our honeymoon, I was looking into booking a Caribbean cruise for us, for a week.

_Rachel screams._

Rachel: Ross, oh my god! That is the most romantic thing I have ever heard!

Monica: Okay, so how about fireworks that spell out-

Ross and Rachel: No!

_Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the armchair. Annette is working at the counter._

Chandler: So how long do you think it'll be before Monica drives Ross and Rachel nuts with the wedding plans?

Mike: Knowing Monica, not long. I'm guessing we'll see them in here in a few minutes, trying to get away from her.

Chandler: And her pregnancy mood swings. Which reminds me, Phoebe: why aren't you having mood swings?

Phoebe: Oh, I am. They're just all happy mood swings right now.

_Annette walks over._

Annette: Hey, sweetie.

_Annette kisses Joey and sits down in his lap._

Phoebe: Awww…

Mike: I'm really happy for you guys. But I'll warn you right now, Joey: you do anything to hurt her and you'll answer to me.

_Joey looks at Annette._

Joey: Are you SURE he's not your older brother?

Annette: Mom always said he was my cousin, but now I'm starting to wonder.

Mike: You remember Billy Dreskin at the 7th grade dance?

Annette: Hey, in my defense, he had to go climb the flagpole the next day to get his underwear back.

_Enter Ross, Rachel, and Monica._

Monica: Come on, just imagine it! It'd look so stunning!

Ross: Monica, for the thousandth time, NO!

Monica: Why not? Can't you just picture it?

Ross: Yeah, and all the pictures come out as DOLLAR SIGNS.

Monica: Guys, will you convince these two that fireworks at their wedding spelling out "Ross and Rachel" in a heart is a good idea?

Rachel: Monica, I gotta agree with Ross: that DOES sound rather pricey.

Ross: And if I'm taking her on a Caribbean cruise, we can't afford an expensive wedding.

Monica: A Caribbean cruise?

_Monica smacks Chandler._

Chandler: Ow! What was that for?

Monica: How come you didn't take me on a cruise for our honeymoon?

Chandler: We were feeding Joey, we couldn't afford it!

Monica: We're STILL feeding Joey!

Ross, Rachel, and Annette: Hey!

Monica: Okay, not as OFTEN…

_Phoebe turns to Rachel._

Phoebe: Speaking of the wedding, what did your parents say when you told them you and Ross were getting married?

Rachel: Um…they were okay with it! Loved the idea.

_A pause._

Monica: You didn't tell them yet, did you?

Rachel: …no.

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: Because you know how Daddy feels about Ross! Besides, he's still upset about me running out on Barry on our wedding day!

Monica: Rachel, that was TWELVE YEARS ago! Do you really think he's gonna hold it against you for that?

Rachel: Mon, it's DADDY. Need I say more?

_A pause._

Monica: Point made.

Annette: I don't understand. What's so bad about your father?

Rachel: Daddy's a little…extreme when it comes to us. He's never really gotten over me leaving Barry at the alter on our wedding day, the Chloe incident, or my Vegas wedding to Ross.

Annette: Wow, sounds like a real hardass.

Ross: That's one way of putting it…

_Rachel smacks Ross._

Ross: Ow!

Rachel: Be nice! He IS my father. And if we're lucky, maybe we can talk him into helping pay for the wedding.

Monica: Yeah! That way, you can have the fireworks!

Ross and Rachel: NO.

_Annette looks at her watch._

Annette: I better get back to work.

_Annette kisses Joey and smiles._

Annette: I'll see you when I get home.

_Annette walks off. Rachel turns to Ross._

Rachel: How come we aren't more like that?

_Monica, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Mike stare at Rachel._

Rachel: What?

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting in the chair, watching a movie. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Whatcha watching?

Joey: Some movie called The Skeleton Key.

Phoebe: Ooh! What's it about?

Joey: I don't know, I just started watching it. You wanna watch it with me?

Phoebe: Sure!

_Phoebe sits down in the chair._

Phoebe: This isn't a scary movie, is it?

Joey: Nah. It's probably one of those romance movies Rachel made me watch with her when she was living here.

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the recliners, staring fearfully at the TV._

Joey: Oh my god!

Phoebe: I know! What if everyone we know had their body stolen?

_Joey looks at Phoebe, wide-eyed._

Joey: Then that means we can only trust each other!

_Scene changes to the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Annette is crouching next to the door to 19. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Hey, Annette.

Annette: Sshh! Keep your voice down!

Rachel: Why, what's going on?

Annette: Joey and Phoebe just finished watching The Skeleton Key.

Rachel: What're you up to?

Annette: Nothing! Do you honestly think me so low as to prank my boyfriend?

_Rachel glares at Annette._

Rachel: Do I even NEED to answer that?

Annette: …no.

_A pause._

Annette: Okay, so here's the plan.

_Annette pulls Rachel to the stairs, and begins whispering in her ear. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting on the couch, reading Green Eggs and Ham to Huggsie. Enter Annette._

Joey: Hey, honey.

Annette: Right, I'm ANNETTE.

Joey: What was that?

Annette: Nothing. How was your day?

Joey: Pretty good. Watched a movie with Phoebe. How was work?

Annette: Long. This lady came in wanting us to buy a dress for…

Joey: Buy a what?

Annette: I mean, it was good!

Joey: Annette, what's going on?

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: You! Give me back my body!

Annette: I didn't take it from you!

Rachel: Yes you did!

Annette: No, I didn't!

Rachel: Then explain why I'm in your bra-stuffing body!

_Joey looks between Rachel and Annette, and gasps._

Joey: Oh my god! You two switched bodies!

Rachel: Yeah! And I need help to get mine back from that bra stuffer, before she ruins it!

Annette: Hey, you think it's any fun seeing my butt jiggle every time I walk by a mirror? You need to lose weight! In fact, as long as I HAVE your body, I think I'm gonna take up a gym membership!

Joey: I gotta call Phoebe!

_Joey runs into his room, and slams the door. Rachel and Annette burst into giggles._

Annette: He's gonna be jumping at shadows before we're done.

Rachel: I know.

Annette: Did you talk to Ross yet?

Rachel: No. I thought it'd be more fun for us to mess with Joey, just the two of us.

_Annette claps a hand on Rachel's shoulder._

Annette: I have trained you well.

Rachel: So who do you wanna mess with now?

_A pause._

Annette and Rachel: Phoebe.

_Annette and Rachel leave. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is lying face down on the couch, face buried in a pillow. Monica is pacing the floor behind him._

Monica: And then we release the doves, as fireworks go off in the background and the orchestra hits the climax of their music.

Ross (into the pillow): No.

Monica: Okay, fine. We have snow fall from a snow maker, as you and Rachel kiss at the altar.

Ross (into the pillow): No.

Monica: All right, we can have a prism shoot a rainbow-

Ross (into the pillow): No.

Monica: Ross, dammit, work with me here! You shot down the bunnies running through!

_Ross raises his head._

Ross: Monica, does the word "budget" fit ANYWHERE in your vocabulary, when it comes to this wedding?

Monica: No.

Ross: We can't have a big wedding! We told you that!

Monica: Ross, you had your big day, twice! Rachel deserves a big day! It needs to be GLORIOUS.

Ross: And it's not "glorious" if it's not expensive, huh?

Monica: EXACTLY.

Ross: You realize that anything "big" is gonna overshadow Emma, right?

Monica: So? This is her parent's big day. She'll be fine.

Ross: She'll be scarred for life!

Monica: Scars, schmars. She's 2 years old, she'll get over it. Besides, she'll be too busy squealing at the unicorns.

_Ross groans, and buries his face into the pillow again._

Ross (into the pillow): Unicorns?

Monica: Sure. We get some antelope horns, and attach them to horses. Then we lead the unicorns into the reception area…

Ross (into the pillow): No.

Monica: And some ponies with horns on them for the kids…

_Ross groans. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Rachel and Annette._

Rachel: Phoebe! Oh, thank God you're here! We need your help.

Phoebe: Joey called me. Are you two all right?

Annette: I'm fine, except for watching my butt jiggle every time I walk by a mirror.

Rachel: Hey, you think I like looking down at a chest that's flatter than a pool table?

Phoebe: Yep, you two are in different bodies. What happened?

Rachel: I don't know. I woke up this morning, right next to Ross, and had to resist the urge to scream.

Annette: And what were you and Joey doing last night? I woke up next to him. Even during the time I was dating him, we never slept together.

Rachel: We were tired!

Phoebe: Oh my god, you and Joey slept together?

Rachel: Phoebe, bigger problem.

Phoebe: Forget the problem, you two were sleeping together?

Rachel: Joey doesn't want that to be public yet! And besides, I want my body back before that bra stuffer decides she needs to take a gym membership!

Annette: And if you go through with that implants idea, I'm gonna have your butt liposuctioned!

Rachel: Don't you DARE touch my butt!

_Annette starts rubbing her butt._

Annette: Oh, look at that! I'm touching it!

Rachel: That's NOT what I meant, and you know it!

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hey, guys.

_Chandler kisses Annette._

Chandler: Hi, honey.

Phoebe: Chandler! Monica's gonna kill you when she finds out you kissed Rachel!

Chandler: What? Am I not allowed to kiss my fiancée when I see her?

_Phoebe gasps._

Phoebe: Oh my god! Ross, is that you?

Chandler: Yeah.

Phoebe: What happened?

Chandler: I don't know, I woke up this morning in Chandler's body. And let me tell you, it's a shock to be waking up next to your sister. I don't think the scars from that will be fading anytime soon.

Rachel: Like it's any better to be waking up in this bra stuffer's body.

Chandler: Hey, I know for a fact she doesn't stuff her bra.

_Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Chandler?

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: Oh my god! I hope Mike's all right.

_Enter Mike and Monica._

Mike: Chandler?

_Chandler points at Ross._

Chandler: Right there.

Mike: Hi, honey.

_Mike grabs Ross's face and kisses him._

Ross: What the hell, Mike? You're married to Phoebe!

Mike: Don't tell me you don't recognize your wife! I'm hurt!

Phoebe: Monica?

Mike: Yeah. And it's interesting to be in a man's body. Feels weird.

_Phoebe looks at Monica._

Phoebe: And you're in that one, Mike?

Monica: Yep.

_Monica moves toward Phoebe. Phoebe jumps up._

Phoebe: Don't you touch me in her body! I have to go see Joey!

_Phoebe runs out the door. The gang bursts out laughing._

Annette: This has to be the best prank I ever came up with.

Rachel: I don't know. The one where you got Joey thinking he was still dreaming was pretty good.

Chandler: Not to mention, you got him to kiss Janice. Never in a million years, did I think I'd see that.

Ross: Speaking of kisses…

_Ross turns to Mike._

Ross: Did you SERIOUSLY have to kiss me? I'm gonna be scrubbing my lips with steel wool and bleach for a week!

Mike: Well, I'm sorry! But I was trying to stay in character. Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be a woman in a man's body?

Monica: No harder than it is to pretend to be a man in a woman's body.

Chandler: Just remember all the things you picked up hanging around Joey, you'll be fine.

Monica: Strip clubs, and eating. Got it.

Ross: I'm not so sure it's a good idea to be pranking a pregnant Phoebe.

Monica: Why not? I'm pregnant, and I'm fine with it.

Ross: Okay, two things: one, you're on the GIVING end, not receiving. And two, YOU don't threaten people with a pork chop for their cash when you're upset.

Annette: When did Phoebe do that?

Mike: Three days ago, in Central Park.

Chandler: Wait a second…Ross; didn't you go taking a walk in the Park a few days ago?

Ross: Yes.

Monica: Yeah, and didn't you say you got mugged by a woman with a pork chop?

Ross: …yes.

_Annette laughs._

Annette: Oh my god, you got mugged by Phoebe!

Monica: Again.

Ross: Shut up, YOU try dealing with her when she's in Street Phoebe mode!

Monica: Okay, you got a point there.

_Annette snickers._

Annette: Mugged by Phoebe…

_Ross glares at Annette. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is in the living room, ducked against the counter. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Joey!

_Joey jumps up with a frying pan in his hands._

Joey: It's my body!

_Phoebe screams, as Joey starts screaming back._

Phoebe: JOEY!

Joey: PHOEBE!

Phoebe: DON'T DO THAT!

Joey: OKAY! WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?

Phoebe: BECAUSE YOU SCARED ME!

Joey: SORRY!

Phoebe: SO STOP SHOUTING!

Joey: OKAY!

_Joey lowers the frying pan, as Phoebe leans on the counter._

Joey: So what's up?

Phoebe: Oh, well, I figured the first thing I'd do is recover from this HEART ATTACK YOU JUST GAVE ME!

_Phoebe starts to beat on Joey._

Joey: Ow, ow, ow! I said I was sorry!

Phoebe: I'm pregnant, you numbskull! And you probably scared the baby, as well as me!

Joey: I thought you were the body swapper!

Phoebe: Well, why didn't you say something?

Joey: Because if you WERE the body swapper, I'm not gonna make it easy for you to find me to steal my body!

Phoebe: Actually, that makes perfect sense. Sorry, Joey.

Joey: It's all right. So what's up?

Phoebe: The others had their bodies swapped! Chandler got swapped with Ross, and Mike got swapped with Monica!

Joey: Wait, so Mike is in Monica's body now?

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: I wonder if he's squeezed his chest yet…

_Phoebe smacks Joey._

Joey: Ow!

Phoebe: That's my husband you're talking about! The only chest he's squeezing is mine, thank you!

_Joey gasps._

Phoebe: What?

Joey: I just realized: we're the only ones who haven't been swapped yet!

Phoebe: Oh my god, you're right! We gotta hide!

Joey: We'll barricade ourselves in my room! They can't get at us in there without us knowing about it!

Phoebe: Good idea!

_Phoebe and Joey run into Joey's room and slam the door. Scene changes to the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Annette is leaning against the door, Rachel standing behind her._

Rachel: What happened?

Annette (laughing): They just ran into Joey's room, and slammed the door. I don't think they'll be coming out for days.

Rachel: Think we should tell them we're ordering a pizza, and watching a movie at our place?

Annette: Nah. Let's leave them be. I'm having too much fun.

_Rachel laughs, as she and Annette enter apartment 20. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is sitting in bed, reading a book. Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey, honey.

Phoebe: Who are you?

Mike: It's me, Mike. The guy you married?

Phoebe: How do I know it's really you?

Mike: Well, why don't we turn the lights off, and I'll prove it to you?

_Phoebe giggles, and places her book on the nightstand._

Mike: By the way, Pheebs, I loved the time we spent as roommates, before Rachel moved in.

_Phoebe screams._

**(A/N Sorry about last week. When the Rally hits, there are over 100k bikers in the area, for a week of partying & hell raising. This also means enough racket to wake the dead, & no sleep for me. IDK why they say the Rally is only a week long, they forget the week for them to GET here, & the week for them to LEAVE (the week we're on right now). So barring any more bikes roaring in (God forbid), we'll be rolling right along into more of Season 12. Strap yourselves in; it's gonna be a hell of a ride.)**


	3. The One With Poker Night

_Scene opens in Joey's bedroom. Joey is lying in bed, asleep. A knock is heard._

Annette (through door): Joey, breakfast.

_Joey yawns, gets out of bed, and opens the door to see a skull grinning back at him. Joey yells and jumps back, as Annette laughs and takes the skull mask off._

Joey: Not funny, Annette!

Annette: Hey, at least I wasn't standing here with a cloak and scythe in my hand.

Joey: I bet Ross and Rachel are having an easier morning than I am.

_Scene changes to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are standing by Emma's highchair, splattered with food, as Emma laughs._

Ross: So much for going in early.

Rachel: I bet Joey and Annette are having an easier morning than we are.

_Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair. Annette is sitting in the chair at the end table._

Annette: So what happened this morning? When you two walked out, it looked like a Denny's exploded near you.

Ross: Close. Emma decided it'd be funny to throw her breakfast at us, when we were trying to get her to eat.

Joey: Where'd she pick that up at?

_Ross and Rachel glare at Joey._

Rachel: I don't know, Joey. Would you care to enlighten us?

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA! She didn't get that from me. Joey doesn't do two things: share food, or waste food.

Ross: He's got a point, hon.

Rachel: Yeah. So where did she get that at?

_Enter Monica, Chandler, and Mike._

Monica: You are SO lucky I don't have something in my hands right now, Chandler! I'd throw it at you! In fact, since we're here…

_Monica turns to the counter._

Monica: Gunther! Muffin me!

Gunther: Why?

Monica: I need something to throw at Chandler!

_Ross looks at Rachel._

Ross and Rachel: Monica.

Gunther: Well, the next one's free if you throw it at Ross.

Ross: Whoa, what?

Joey: Wait, you'll give a free muffin to whoever throws one at Ross?

Gunther: Yup.

_Joey jumps over the couch and runs to the counter._

Ross: How did I get dragged into this?

Gunther: Nostalgia.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, great times. Less talking, more throwing!

_Gunther hands Joey a muffin._

Rachel: Sweetie?

Ross: Yeah?

Rachel: You might wanna run.

Ross: Good idea.

_Ross runs out the door, Joey behind him._

Joey: Hold still, this is only good for one shot!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Mike and Annette are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

_Numerous greetings float back._

Annette: Where's Joey?

Ross: I don't know. I lost sight of him down by the Korean restaurants.

Annette: Thanks a lot, Ross! Now I have to go down there and track down my boyfriend before he ruins his appetite.

Ross: Annette, stop for a second, & think about who you're talking about.

_A pause._

Annette: Never mind.

_Enter Joey, eating a muffin._

Joey (mouth full): Hey.

Annette: Hi, honey.

Monica: Uh, Joey, where did you get the muffin at?

Joey: Had it. Why?

_Monica turns to the counter._

Monica: Gunther, did you give Joey his free muffin?

Gunther: No.

Monica: Oh my god! Joey, is that the same muffin you were chasing Ross with?

Joey: …maybe.

Ross: Joey, that was lying on the sidewalk!

Joey: Well, I didn't wanna see it go to waste! Didn't your parents ever teach you not to waste food?

Ross: I grew up with Monica! We were lucky if there was food TO waste.

_Monica smacks Ross._

Mike: So what do you guys wanna do tonight?

Joey: Oh, we could play-

Chandler: We're not playing strip poker.

Joey: Never mind.

Monica: No, actually poker DOES sound fun.

Rachel: Yeah, let's have a poker night! Girls against guys!

Ross, Chandler, Mike, and Joey: Noooooooo…

Phoebe: Why not?

Chandler: Because every guy in this gang is dating, engaged, or married to every girl. And we can get cut off from sex.

Ross: And contrary to what Cosmo says, we LIKE sex.

Annette: Okay, how about this? We will NOT withhold sex from you, if you beat us in poker.

Chandler: Gee, that sounds like a great deal. Let me counter with THIS reply: NO.

Mike: No. No, let's go with that. AND, if we beat you girls, Monica can't clean for a day.

_The gang gasps._

Monica: Give…give up cleaning? You mean, like for an ENTIRE day?

Mike: 24 hours.

Rachel: Okay! We're agreeing to that!

Monica: What? No, we aren't!

Rachel: Yes, we are. Because if WE win, Joey has to give up Baywatch for a day!

_Joey stumbles backward and clutches his chest._

Chandler: Steady, Joey. Steady…

Joey: Give up Baywatch? I don't know if I can do that!

Chandler: BREATHE, Joey. It's okay. You won't be giving up Baywatch.

Monica: Oh? And why not?

Chandler: Because YOU'RE gonna be giving up cleaning, after we beat you!

Rachel: Ha! You wish! Last time we played, I beat you all! I got Ross with a full house!

Chandler: You didn't beat Ross!

Rachel: Did so!

Chandler: Did not! He let you win, because you were so miserable from being turned down for that job!

Rachel: He WHAT?

Ross: Uh, Chandler? Could I speak to you outside, where there aren't any witnesses?

_Rachel turns to Ross._

Rachel: You LET me win?

Ross: Well, you were feeling bad from losing that job, and I didn't want you to be miserable!

Rachel: I'm touched that you love me so much that you did that for me. But I'm also furious that you didn't give it your all! What happened to that "I play to win" talk?

Ross: I didn't want you to feel bad.

Rachel: Aw, that's so sweet. Don't do that again.

Monica: Okay! So, my place tonight, poker game!

Rachel: Wait, what's wrong with our place?

Monica: It's an hour's drive out!

Rachel: Bring the kids!

Monica: Fine, poker tonight, Ross and Rachel's place.

Phoebe: Okay!

Annette: Sure!

_Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Mike mutter._

Monica: We're not gonna cut you off from sex if you beat us.

Ross, Chandler, Mike, and Joey: Okay, sure.

Annette: Good, so we're all set!

Mike: And no practical jokes.

Annette: Do you think me so low as to do that?

_Mike glares at Annette._

Annette: …fine.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is running around the kitchen, setting up snack platters. Emma is sitting on the floor, playing with her stuffed animals._

Rachel (thinking): Okay. Chips, crackers, lunch meat, cheese…I think we're good.

_Rachel turns around, and knocks over a glass with her elbow, spilling its contents onto the floor. Rachel stares._

Rachel (thinking): Maybe Monica won't notice.

_Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. Did you get the poker chips from Joey?

Ross: No, I had to go out and buy some, along with a fresh deck of cards.

Rachel: Why? What happened?

Ross: Joey heard the word "chips" and thought they were edible.

Rachel: Oh, no…and the cards?

Ross: He got mad at the jacks, because he thought they stole the queen's tarts.

_Rachel stares._

Rachel: He threw away an ENTIRE deck of cards because he was mad at the jacks?

Ross: Pretty much.

_Enter Joey and Annette._

Joey: Hey, guys.

Emma: Net!

_Emma stands up and runs to Annette, arms outstretched._

Annette: Hi, sweetie!

_Annette picks up Emma. _

Joey: Training them young, eh?

_Rachel smacks Joey._

Joey: OW! What was that for?

Rachel: First off, no comments from you about my daughter! And second off, you threw away an entire deck of cards because you were mad at the JACKS?

Joey: You told her?

Ross: She asked!

Joey: At least that explains one thing.

Rachel: What?

Joey: Why that king of hearts was driving a sword through his head.

_Rachel rubs her head._

Rachel: I think I can actually feel my brains cells shrivel and die from that answer.

Annette: Welcome to a night in my life.

Rachel: Hey, YOU'RE dating him.

Annette: So did you!

Rachel: …shut up.

_Emma smacks Joey, and laughs._

Joey: Ow!

Rachel: That's right, honey! Smack Uncle Joey for Mommy!

Ross: Rachel! Don't teach our daughter to hit people!

Annette: Yeah. That's MY job.

_Ross glares at Annette. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. The gang is seated around the kitchen table, various piles of poker chips in front of them. A stack of poker chips sits in the middle of the table._

Annette: Raise two.

Chandler: Call.

Ross: Call.

Mike: Call.

Joey: I fold like Ross after a second date with a woman that isn't Rachel.

_Rachel and Ross look at Joey._

Joey: I mean…I fold.

Annette: Monica?

_Monica stares at her cards._

Annette: Monica. In or out?

Monica: I wish my house looked like this.

Chandler: What, decorated with hearts and diamonds?

Monica: Okay, that too. I meant this CLEAN!

Chandler: You're not gonna clean the house tonight, you promised!

Monica: Come on, just one room!

Annette: MONICA!

Monica: Oh, sorry. I'm in.

_Annette shakes her head._

Annette: Clean Joey's room, if you wanna clean so badly.

Monica: Okay!

_Monica stands up._

Annette: AFTER this hand!

_Monica sits down with a disappointed look._

Monica: You're no fun, you know that?

Annette: I have some ass kicking to deliver.

Mike: Then put your money where your mouth is, and show us what you got.

Annette: Full house.

_Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Mike throw their cards down in disgust. Annette begins to reach for the poker chips._

Ross: Not so fast, Poker Peters.

Annette: Huh?

_Ross lays his cards down with a flourish._

Ross: Flush.

Annette: Oh, you SON of a-

Ross, Rachel, Monica, and Chandler: ANNETTE!

Annette: What?

Ross: The kids are in the next room!

Annette: So? I didn't say anything!

Phoebe: Hey Ross, remember the time you walked in with Ben, just as I let loose with the B word?

Ross: Don't remind me. It took Carol, Susan, and I weeks to break him of saying that.

Phoebe: It's no worse than Rachel teaching him pranks to play. All I did was teach him a new word.

Ross: Which ended up being his favorite word for weeks!

Phoebe: Crybaby…

_Ross glares at Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe are standing around the table, watching. Ross, Mike, Annette, and Monica are sitting at the table, various stacks of poker chips in front of them. A pile of chips sits in the middle of the table._

Monica: Call.

_Mike lays down his cards._

Mike: Straight.

_Monica throws down her cards in disgust._

Monica: AUGH, I can't get this game!

_Everyone but Mike, Annette, and Monica duck._

Monica: I'm not throwing anything.

Chandler: Joey, put your head up. I think she has food over there.

Joey: Really?

_Joey raises his head, and gets hit in the face with a cold cut._

Joey: Hey!

Annette: Oops, my mistake.

_Annette giggles._

Monica: I'm gonna go check on the kids, and clean something.

Rachel: Don't you TOUCH my cleaning supplies!

Monica: Why not?

Ross: Because we're here to have fun.

Monica: Cleaning IS fun!

Rachel: Monica, your place is so sterile, they could set up a field lab for the CDC in it!

Monica: But…a clean house is a HAPPY house!

Rachel: Yeah, CLEAN. Not vac-sealed!

Monica: Ross, would you please back me up on this?

Ross: Can't hear you, playing.

Monica: Ugh, fine. I'm gonna go check on the kids.

_Monica walks into Emma's room._

Mike: I'm out, guys.

Annette: What? No, you're not! You still got chips in front of you!

Mike: Yes, but I wanna go spend time with my wife. And pregnant wife trumps psycho competitive cousin any day.

Annette: Psycho competitive cousin is NOT that competitive!

Ross: Um, Mike? Should I be worried that she's not denying the psycho part?

Mike: You grew up with Monica. How worried do you think you should be?

_Ross scoots his chair back from the table._

Annette: Get back up here, Geller; we still have cards to play! Unless you're forfeiting the match, and saying Joey can't watch Baywatch for a day…

Ross: I'll see Monica in a dirty house before that happens!

Monica (from Emma's room): Hey!

_Ross scoots his chair back to the table._

Ross: You think you're so good, Peters? Put your money where your mouth is.

_Ross shoves all of his chips to the middle of the table._

Ross: I'm all in. Put up or shut up.

Annette: Call.

_Annette sweeps her chips to the middle of the table._

Annette: Now throw 'em down, Geller.

Chandler: Uh, guys?

Ross and Annette: What?

Chandler: You don't have cards.

_A pause._

Ross: Way to ruin the mood of the moment, Chandler.

Annette: Wait a second. Where ARE the cards?

_Everyone looks over at Joey, who is standing on the terrace, holding the deck._

Joey: Where are the tarts? I know you have them! Talk or you'll be sleeping with the…

_Joey looks over the edge into the dumpster below._

Joey: …random piles of bags!

Monica: Shouldn't we rescue the cards?

Phoebe: You want the threat of not being able to clean for a day above your head?

_A pause._

Monica: Who's up for a movie?

_Numerous agreements are heard. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is cleaning the stove. The doorbell is heard._

Monica: Come in!

_Enter Joey, with a pizza and a box set of Baywatch._

Monica: Joey! You're not supposed to be watching Baywatch for the day, remember? That was the agreement!

Joey: Well, you're not supposed to be cleaning, either!

Monica: Annette beat Ross!

Joey: Only because she cheated! So both bets became valid!

_A pause._

Monica: You didn't see anything?

Joey: I'm blind, if you are.

_Monica nods, as Joey walks to the den._

**(A/N Two week hiatus for 4, Dragon*Con is back on. 4 days of absolute geek fest for me. WHEE!)**


	4. The One With The Photo Shoot

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Chandler, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey is sitting in the armchair. Annette is walking around, serving customers._

Monica: So I'm thinking this weekend if we're not all busy, and if you can get Ben, Ross, we could all go to the lake and have a BBQ.

Ross: I think Carol and Susan will be agreeable to that.

Monica: Cool! What do you think, Joey?

_No answer._

Monica: Joey!

_Monica looks over to see Joey eyeballing a customer flirting with Annette. Joey points a finger at the customer, as they walk out the door. Chandler sighs._

Chandler: Joey, you've been doing that for three hours now. Would you RELAX?

Joey: No! My gorgeous, sexy girlfriend is being hit on by guys! I have to be vigilant!

_Chandler opens his mouth, as Annette walks over._

Annette: Okay, Joey? You really need to stop creeping out my customers.

Joey: But they were hitting on you!

Annette: Honey, I promise you, I am not going to do anything that would make a guy remotely interested in me. Okay?

Joey: Okay.

_Annette smiles and kisses Joey. Enter Alex._

Alex: Hey Annette, which color string bikini did you want for the photo shoot this weekend?

_Joey glares at Annette. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Enter Joey and Annette._

Joey: I can't believe you! How could you not tell me about this photo shoot?

Annette: Whoa, stop! Hold it! I told you two weeks ago about it!

Joey: You did not!

Annette: Oh, yeah?

_Annette picks up the remote and turns on the TV and DVD player._

Joey: What're you doing?

_Annette holds up a hand, as the TV turns on._

Annette (from TV): Okay, Joey. I'm recording this so I can remind you if you forget. I have a photo shoot in two weeks with Alex. It's gonna bring a little extra cash into the house.

Joey (from TV): Uh huh.

Joey: I was watching Baywatch!

_Annette presses a button on the remote._

Annette (from TV): Okay, sweetie? Reminding you again, photo shoot in a week. Extra money, gonna involve me in a string bikini.

Joey (from TV): Okay.

Joey: I was eating a sandwich!

_Annette presses a button on the remote._

Annette (from TV): Joey, photo shoot in three days. Reminding you again.

Joey (from TV): Have fun.

Joey: Uh…sports?

Annette: Oh, come on! Now you're not even trying!

Joey: Okay, so I forgot! But you only reminded me three times!

Annette: No, I reminded you a lot more than that. But I'm still burning the other DVDs of my reminders.

Joey: Why?

Annette: Movie night.

Joey: Um…didn't you remind me in a bikini at one point?

_A pause._

Annette: Oh, crap!

_Annette runs for the door._

Annette: Rachel! Don't watch that DVD!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table, grading papers. Rachel is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hi, guys! Bye, guys!

_Joey runs for the terrace window._

Rachel: Freeze!

_Joey stops._

Rachel: Hand them over.

Joey: Hand what over?

Rachel: Your binoculars. We already found the pair you hid on the terrace.

Joey: Ross! That was supposed to be a secret!

Ross: You're not the one engaged to her.

Joey: We swore on a six-pack! What about "bros before ho-"

Ross and Rachel: JOEY!

Joey: What?

Ross: Emma's asleep in her room! And Annette asked us to take them, so you couldn't spy on her and Alex trying on those bikinis for the shoot.

Rachel: I STILL think I could've modeled them.

Ross: I know you can, honey. You're sexy.

Joey: I don't know…Annette said your chest was too flat.

_Rachel jumps up and starts beating on Joey._

Joey: OW! OW! OW! What're you beating on me for?

Rachel: Because you just said my chest was flat!

Joey: Those were her words, not mine!

Rachel: Coming out of YOUR mouth!

Joey: Ross! Little help here!

_Ross stays seated._

Joey: Oh, THANKS.

Ross: You think I'm dumb enough to get between mad Rachel and her target?

Joey: Well, I was kind of HOPING…

_Ross sighs, and stands up._

Ross: Honey, go watch E!. I think the Kardashians are coming on. Joey, go back home and I'll order you a Tribbiani special.

Joey: With sprinkles this time?

Ross: PIZZA, Joey.

Joey: With extra cheese?

Ross: Yes. Now go on.

_Joey walks to the door. Rachel sits down in a huff._

Rachel: My chest is NOT flat.

Joey: Depends on who you ask.

_Rachel chases Joey out the door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the armchair. Chandler is sitting in the chair at the end table. Annette is waitressing. Gunther is working behind the counter. Enter Alex._

Alex: Hey, sweetie.

Gunther: Hey.

Alex: So I got off the phone a little bit ago with the photographer. The shoot shouldn't last more than a couple of hours, and they'll pay us about $1500 for our time.

Gunther: Okay, sounds good.

Annette: Whoa, hold on. $1500? He told me $1000!

Alex: Yeah, apparently, finding out you were gonna be on the shoot made them put their offer to $1500 per model.

_Annette grins and turns to Joey._

Annette: And YOU didn't want me to take this.

Joey: I still don't. At least, not without a bodyguard.

Annette: Joey, relax! No one is gonna hit on me!

_Annette turns to Alex._

Annette: You got Ramon, right?

Alex: No, he was off on vacation. We got Santos, instead.

Annette: Aw, man! His breath smells like garlic.

Alex: Sorry. It was the best they could do.

Joey: Who's Santos?

Annette: No one, sweetie.

Joey: Annette…

Annette: I promise it's nothing to get upset over.

Joey: So now I need to be upset?

Annette: Uh, um…Joey, look! Free hot dogs!

Joey: What?

_Joey runs out the door._

Joey: Hey, wait for me! Joey needs his meat!

_Several flashy gay men run down the street after Joey. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Enter Monica._

Monica: Rach! Guess what I found!

Rachel: The ultimate cleaning rag that absorbs all messes made?

Monica: No, but that would be really cool to find.

Rachel: What did you find?

Monica: I found the perfect wedding dress for you! AND it fits!

Rachel: How do you know it fits?

_Monica mutters._

Rachel: Speak up. I didn't hear you.

Monica: I said I had someone model them, okay?

Rachel: Monica!

Monica: Hey, I took the pressure out of looking for a wedding dress for you! And I know it fits!

Rachel: Well, who did the modeling for you?

_Enter Annette._

Annette: Hey Mon, are you sure about that last dress? I don't think anything that short should be used outside a strip club.

Rachel: You had ANNETTE modeling for MY wedding dress?

Annette: No wonder you had them take the CHEST in.

Rachel: And let the BUTT out!

Annette: Hey, my butt is perfectly fine!

Rachel: Your butt looks like Santa's belly when you walk!

Annette: Does not!

Rachel: Does too!

Monica: All right, you two! Heel!

_Monica turns to Rachel._

Monica: I asked Annette to model for me, because she's about your height and weight.

Annette: Even if my chest IS bigger…

Rachel: Along with your butt…aren't you supposed to be at the photo shoot with Alex?

Annette: I would be, but Joey keeps following me.

Rachel: What makes you think he's here?

_Annette points to Joey standing next to the door, with a lamp shade on his head._

Rachel: That's our new lamp.

Annette: Is that right?

_Annette pulls a string hanging down._

Joey: Click.

_Annette glares at Rachel._

Rachel: Uh…it's a talking lamp?

Annette: Joey, stop following me! God, it's like I have a hungry shadow!

Joey (facing the door): I'm sorry Annette, but I don't trust-

Annette: I'm over here.

_Joey takes the lamp shade off, and turns around._

Joey: - this photo shooter.

Annette: For crying out loud, you're as bad as Paul was! I'm doing the shoot, we need the extra money!

Monica: Why?

Annette: Vet bill. SOMEONE fed Chick and Duck Jr. grass seeds.

Joey: Hey, I read that birds like seeds.

Annette: BIRD seed, Joey. And stop trying to plant and water them, birds don't grow from seeds.

Joey: Maybe this time, they will.

Annette: You need to trust me, okay?

Joey: I do! I just don't trust that shooter. And I don't want you to do this, without someone watching out for you.

Annette: Oh my god! You're treating me like a kid!

Joey: And you're acting like one!

Annette: Okay, you know what? We're through. I'm moving in with Alex, and I'm doing the shoot!

_Annette storms out the door. Monica turns to Rachel._

Monica: Do you think I can still get her to do the dress modeling tomorrow?

_Rachel and Joey glare at Monica. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the couch, nursing a cup of coffee. Enter Phoebe and Mike._

Phoebe: Hi, Joey.

Joey: Hey.

Mike: Rachel told us what happened. You okay?

Joey: The first serious girlfriend I've had in ages just dumped me and said she was moving in with her friend across the street. Yeah, I'm peachy.

Mike: Sarcasm? Seriously?

Phoebe: Side effect of living with Chandler all those years. Joey, do you love Annette?

Joey: Yes.

Phoebe: Do you trust her?

Joey: Her? Yes. The guys flirting with her all the time? No.

Phoebe: Joey, you remember how Ross acted when he and Rachel first started dating?

Joey: You mean how he was acting jealous all the time?

Phoebe: Uh huh.

_A pause._

Joey: Oh, man…

_Joey buries his face in his hands and groans._

Phoebe: It's okay. You can still fix things with Annette.

Joey: I don't even know where she is. For all I know, she's busy settling into Alex's place.

Mike: She's at the shoot.

Joey: Where's that?

Mike: Other side of town.

Joey: Then hold down the fort, I'm getting my girlfriend back!

Phoebe: Great, I'll drive you!

_Joey begins to back away._

Joey: Uh, no, that's okay. I can afford a cab out there.

Phoebe: I OWN a cab! I'll drive you out.

Joey: No, really. I'm fine.

Phoebe: You're riding with me, now let's go!

Joey: No!

_Joey runs out the door, Phoebe behind him._

Phoebe: Joey! Get back here, and ride in my cab!

_Scene ends and opens at the photo shoot. Annette and Alex are standing by a pool in bikinis._

Alex: Hey, you all right?

Annette: Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

Alex: You haven't played any pranks, you haven't told the photographer to go to hell, and you haven't insulted Santos for his garlic smell all day.

_Annette sighs._

Annette: Sorry. I was thinking about Joey.

Alex: You miss him, don't you?

Annette: Well, of course I miss him! He's my boyfriend!

Alex: You mean he WAS your boyfriend.

Annette: Yeah. That.

Alex: You don't really wanna break up with him, do you?

Annette: …no.

Alex: So why don't you talk to him?

Annette: Because he's being a jerk! He doesn't trust me!

Alex: And how does you breaking up with him and wanting to move in with me make you any better?

_Annette glares at Alex._

Annette: You're not helping, you know.

Alex: I'm just telling it as I see it.

_Annette looks down at the pool._

Annette: Hey, what's that?

Alex: What's what?

Annette: That, right there.

Alex: I don't see anything.

Annette: Here, let me help you.

_Annette pushes Alex. Alex shrieks and falls in the pool._

Alex: PETERS!

_Enter the photographer._

Photographer: What the hell happened here?

Annette: She slipped.

Alex: I did not! You pushed me in!

Annette: It's wet up here; you should watch your step.

_Alex and the photographer glare at Annette._

Photographer: Peters, I wanna speak to you. Alone.

_Alex sticks her tongue out at Annette as Annette and the photographer walk by. Annette nudges Alex, who falls in the pool again. The photographer glares at Annette._

Annette: Slippery, I'm telling you.

_Annette and the photographer enter the trailer. Scene ends and opens in Phoebe's cab. Joey is gripping the dashboard with white knuckles. Phoebe turns to Joey._

Phoebe: We're here. AND we made with 15 minutes to spare.

Joey: I think next time, I'll take the subway.

Phoebe: Oh, don't be such a big baby.

Joey: You took a corner on two wheels!

Phoebe: AND missed the cop standing by the intersection, I might add.

Joey: I'm astonished we lost the ones following us!

Phoebe: We would've lost them in Chinatown if YOU didn't stop for food!

Joey: I was craving Chinese! Besides, you're the one who swiped the fortune cookies!

Phoebe: Ooh, which reminds me, you're going to have an interesting day tomorrow.

Joey: If I live to SEE it…

_Police sirens are heard approaching._

Phoebe: Go talk to Annette. I have to go lose my escort.

Joey: No wonder Ross said riding with you was dangerous…

Phoebe: Go!

_Phoebe drives off._

Joey: Fine, I'll just go talk to Annette, then!

_Scene changes to the photo shoot. Alex is lying in a lawn chair by the pool. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey.

Alex: Hey.

Joey: Uh, is Annette around?

Alex: Yeah, I think she's still talking to the photographer. Why, did you come here to talk to her?

Joey: Yeah.

Alex: You know she's still mad at you, right? Isn't that a little risky?

Joey: Not as risky as riding with Phoebe in her cab.

_Alex laughs._

Alex: Touché, Tribbiani.

Joey: I'm gonna go see if I can find her, and talk this out.

Alex: Good luck. I'm really hoping you two can work it out.

_Joey starts to walk away._

Joey: Uh, by the way…why are you all wet?

Alex: Take a guess.

Joey: Annette shoved you in the pool?

Alex: Twice.

_Joey starts for the trailer._

Joey: Talk to Annette…talk to Annette…ooh, a snack bar!

Alex: Joey! Focus!

Joey: But…food!

_Enter Annette, huffing._

Annette: You cheap, sleazy bastard! I can't believe you'd even THINK to make an offer like that! Now I remember why I left this business!

Photographer: That's the name of the game, baby. You either play by the rules, or you get out of it.

Annette: Then consider me off the shoot!

Photographer: In that case, you forfeit your payment from the company.

Annette: Fine. I'll find some other way of getting the money I need.

_Annette turns around and sees Joey by the snack bar._

Annette: What're you doing here?

Joey: I came here to talk to you, but I'm more interested right now in what's going on.

Photographer: Quite simple, really. Your ex-girlfriend will make an extra $500 off this shoot, if she sleeps with me. And if she leaves, she forfeits her payment from this day's shoot.

Joey: Oh. Well, allow me to answer that.

_Joey punches the photographer, who falls into the pool._

Joey: That would be a no, by the way.

Annette: Joey! What the-?

Joey: I love you, Annette. I never loved anyone like I do you. I'm sorry for not trusting you more, and for getting jealous. I'll do whatever you want, just please don't leave.

Annette: Joey…

Joey: I'll give up food for a week, if you want.

Annette: Joey, I…

Joey: I mean, I even took a ride in Phoebe's cab to get here, so I could talk to you. And if THAT doesn't say love…

Annette: Hey, Tribbiani! Shut up!

_Joey stares at Annette._

Annette: I didn't mean it when I said we're through. Because the truth is, I love you too much to call it quits with you. I know you're trying to curb your jealousy, and trying to trust me. I'm not letting you go. Not now, not ever. I love you too much, Joey.

_Joey pulls Annette in and kisses her passionately._

Joey: Does this mean you're staying?

_Annette laughs._

Annette: Yes, Joey. I'm staying. Now how about we go home, and I show you how much I love you?

Joey: I'd say that's a great idea. But do you think on the way home, we could stop by the hospital?

Annette: Why?

Joey: I think I broke my hand when I punched that guy out.

Annette: Oh, Joey…

Joey: Joey's gonna pass out, now.

_Joey slumps to the ground. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting in the recliner, left hand in a cast, watching Penguins of Madagascar. Enter Annette._

Annette: Hi, sweetie.

Joey: Hey.

Annette: Whatcha watching?

Joey: A documentary on penguins. Did you know that penguins have commando skills that they use to blow up cars?

_Annette stares at Joey._

Annette: Did those painkillers kick in?

Joey: Maybe. Why?

Annette: Because you're watching a CARTOON, and calling it a documentary.

Joey: AND taking notes.

Annette: Notes?

Joey: Yeah. Maybe we can teach some of these moves to Chick and Duck Jr.

_Joey turns to the box on the table that's holding Chick and Duck Jr._

Joey: Are you guys paying attention?

_Duck Jr. quacks._

Joey: Good.

**(A/N Okay, so 5 is gonna be delayed (STHU, I can't do math) for a couple weeks, which I recover from Dragon*Con. This is up early, because I'm leaving WAY early on Thursday to catch my flight to Atlanta. I'm all a-tingling from the geekiness.)**


	5. The One With The Sickness

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's backyard. Chandler is putting the finishing touches on the TARDIS. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, Annette, and Mike are standing nearby, holding Emma, Jack and Erica, and watching._

Chandler: And…done! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: a TARDIS!

Monica: Wow, great job, honey! You built a useless piece of junk in our back yard!

Chandler: It's not useless! It'll come in handy.

Monica: How?

Chandler: You mean, besides Halloween?

Monica: Yeah.

_Enter Joey, running for the TARDIS._

Joey: Dibs on first test drive!

_Joey smashes into the doors and falls down. Chandler looks at Monica._

Chandler: That's hours of free entertainment, right there.

Monica: Chandler! No one's gonna find that entertaining!

Annette: I don't know, I'm pretty entertained.

_Monica glares at Annette. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Annette are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the chairs at the end table._

Monica: How's your head?

Joey: Better. The ringing in my ears went away, and the headache's down to a dull throb.

Ross: You're lucky you didn't get a concussion, as hard as you ran into that thing.

Chandler: Although you gotta admit, the sight of him slamming into those doors was pretty good.

Annette: Yes, it was. Shame we didn't record it, we could send it to America's Funniest Videos.

Chandler: Oh, I did.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: Honey, I wanted that moment to be in history for the kids when they grow up.

Monica: Why, so you can look at them and go, "Look, kids. Dad built this useless piece of junk himself! And if I did it, you can do anything!"?

Chandler: Hey, I didn't hear you complaining from the three hours we got to spend watching Joey repeatedly slam his face into the doors.

Monica: Well…it WAS kind of amusing…

Joey: And that stupid thing STILL didn't open!

Ross: That's because the doors were LOCKED, Joey.

Joey: So why didn't you just sonic them open?

_Ross looks at Chandler and Annette._

Ross: Either one of you wanna take this one?

Annette: No, I'm good.

Chandler: I would, but I'm too busy picturing Joey slamming into those doors, still. I think I'm gonna make that the Christmas video this year.

_Enter Rachel with Emma, who is crying._

Ross: Awww, what's wrong with my little girl?

_Ross stands up and takes Emma from Rachel._

Rachel: Her daycare called. She apparently caught a bug there, and now she's running a fever. I have an important meeting this afternoon, and I can't find a babysitter.

Ross: Don't worry. I don't have a class tonight, so I can watch her. Just keep her away from Monica.

Monica: Hey! I can watch a sick kid!

Ross: Monica, you once locked me in my room for three days because I SNEEZED.

Monica: You could've had a cold!

Ross: I SNEEZED.

Monica: Well, you needed to be quarantined to be sure! Besides, I couldn't risk getting sick with that softball game against Jill Sherman that weekend.

Rachel: Didn't you lose that game?

_Monica glares at Rachel._

Monica: You know, you're the only one who remembers that. Now let me have her, I can watch her.

Rachel: Actually, I think I'm fine with Ross watching our daughter till I get home.

Monica: Fine, but if this thing spreads, don't blame me.

Ross: I better call Carol and Susan, and tell them not to bring Ben over this weekend.

Rachel: Okay. I need to get back to work. I'll see you tonight.

Ross: Okay.

_Rachel kisses Ross and exits. Ross turns to the group._

Ross: Can one of you run and get me some Children's Motrin? I'll pay you back as soon as you drop it off. I need to take this little one upstairs and give her a cool bath.

Annette: Sure, I can do that.

Ross: Thanks, Annette.

Annette: No problem.

_Annette stands up and heads for the door._

Joey: Hey, Annette. While you're out, can you get me a cheeseburger from that burger place on 40th?

_Annette shakes her head as she leaves. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is walking around, gently rocking Emma, who is still crying. Enter Carol and Ben._

Carol: Hi.

Ross: Hey, come in.

Carol: Can you watch Ben for a while? Susan's out of town, and I got called into work.

Ross: Sure, no problem.

Carol: Thank you so much.

Ben: What's wrong with Emma?

Ross: She caught a bug at daycare, and now she's not feeling good. So we won't be able to do much today, she's too sick to go anywhere.

Carol: Did you give her anything?

Ross: No, not yet. Annette went to get me some Children's Motrin for her, but she hasn't come back yet.

Carol: Poor thing…listen, I hate to drop and run, but I'm gonna be late for work if I don't get going. Thank you again for watching Ben.

Ross: It's fine.

_Carol leans down and kisses Ben's forehead._

Carol: Be good for your dad, and I'll see you tonight.

Ben: Okay. Bye, Mom.

_Carol leaves, as Annette walks in._

Annette: Hey, sorry it took me so long. Here's the Motrin for you.

Ross: Thanks. What DID take you so long, anyway?

Annette: Well…

_Enter Monica with a bucket of cleaning supplies, rubber gloves, and a surgical mask on._

Annette: That.

Monica: Chandler, hurry up! We have a sick little girl to take care of!

_Enter Chandler in a full biohazard outfit. Ross stares._

Ross: What are you two doing?

Monica: We're taking care of Emma.

Ross: Uh, no you're not.

Monica: Oh, really? Why not?

_Ross points to Chandler._

Ross: Because HE looks like something out of E.T., and YOU look like something that escaped from a Michael Jackson music video. What's with the get-ups, anyway?

Monica: We don't wanna catch something and have Jack and Erica get sick!

Ross: Mon, they're KIDS. Kids get sick!

Monica: Not mine.

Ross: What about daycare?

Monica: They won't be going. I'll have Mom watch them, or hire a babysitter.

Ross: And school?

Monica: Home school! My babies will NOT be getting sick!

Ross: Well, mine IS sick, so unless you wanna be getting this bug and passing it on to Jack and Erica, I'd suggest you leave.

Monica: Not until we give Emma this eucalyptus bath that Phoebe said would make her feel better.

Ross: OUT.

Monica: Fine! But you'll be sorry when Ben, Rachel, Joey, and Annette get sick. Then you'll be calling for MONICA.

Annette: Hey, I don't get sick that easily!

Ross: Everybody out!

_Monica, Chandler, and Annette leave. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Annette is working behind the counter. Enter Phoebe and Mike._

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Is Ross back down?

Monica: No, Emma's still sick, and now Ben's over visiting.

Phoebe: Really? Did you give her the eucalyptus bath?

Monica: No, Ross kicked us out before we could give it to her.

Phoebe: Dammit! Doesn't he know how much fighting I had to do with the koala at the zoo to get those leaves?

Annette: Uh, Phoebe, koalas are nocturnal.

Phoebe: I know.

Annette: So how were you-?

Mike: Trust me: you do NOT wanna know.

_Annette gasps._

Annette: Phoebe! You didn't break into the zoo, did you?

Phoebe: Hey, you want a piece of Phoebe? That was the only way I could get leaves for Emma to have a bath in! You wanna end up like that koala?

Annette: What'd you do to the koala?

Phoebe: …nothing.

_Annette shakes her head. Joey sneezes. Monica jumps over the back of the couch._

Monica: Get away from me!

Joey: What? It was just a sneeze.

Annette: You _were_ sneezing pretty badly this morning.

Phoebe: Are you sick?

Joey: No.

_Phoebe puts her hand on Joey's forehead._

Phoebe: Ooh, you ARE a little warm. You might be coming down with something.

_Joey sneezes again. Chandler jumps behind the couch and stands next to Monica._

Chandler: Don't sneeze near me, you walking germ factory!

Joey: I'm not sick!

Chandler: Then why did Phoebe say you were warm?

Mike: Probably because she was holding a cup of coffee, & checked with her HAND.

Phoebe: It was tea, I'll have you know! And besides, I can see Joey's aura. It's all…

_Phoebe gestures._

Phoebe: …sickie.

Monica: Also, the fact he's sneezing, and white as a sheet.

Annette: The "white as a sheet" part might be due more to the fact he broke his hand. I told you to take your painkillers this morning!

Joey: I did!

Annette: Staring at the bottle and saying "Done" is NOT taking them.

Joey: Well…they make me loopy.

Chandler: How is this different from any other day?

Monica: Wait, just how loopy are we talking?

Annette: You remember when you came by a few weeks ago, and he was holding a conversation with the TV?

Chandler: Yeah.

Annette: THAT loopy.

Phoebe: Come on, Joey. I'll take you upstairs and give you a eucalyptus rub.

Joey: Okay.

_Joey stands up and falls on the floor._

Joey: Am I standing?

Annette: No.

Joey: Oh. I thought I suddenly lifted the coffee table with my mind. Never mind.

_Phoebe and Mike pick up Joey, and carry him out. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen, fixing a bottle. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Do you have any clean washrags?

Ross: I might. I'd have to check.

Phoebe: Okay. Joey's down sick, too.

Ross: Oh, wonderful. What about Annette?

Phoebe: No, her aura doesn't look all…

_Phoebe gestures._

Phoebe: …sickie.

Ross: Oh. Well…

_Ross gestures._

Ross: …okay.

Phoebe: You know, you don't do the sarcasm as well as Chandler.

Ross: You'd think after 12 years, that I'd have some of it down.

Phoebe: Yeah, one would think so.

_Enter Annette._

Annette: Hey, guys.

Ross and Phoebe: Hey.

Annette: Phoebe, what did you do with the juice? I can't find any in the fridge.

Phoebe: Oh, I threw it out.

Annette: You WHAT? Phoebe, that juice was for me! Why in the hell did you do that?

Phoebe: Because you don't need juice. Your aura isn't sickie. And besides, do you wanna be reminded of your parents having sex every time you drink juice?

Annette: Well, I wasn't thinking that before. Thanks a lot.

Phoebe: You're welcome.

_Annette rolls her eyes and turns to Ross._

Annette: Can I dump Joey over here for a while? I need to get back to work; I'm closing tonight.

Ross: Sure, just dump him on the couch.

Annette: What's wrong with your room?

Rachel (from bedroom): Ross! My tea went cold!

Ross: I'm waiting for the tea kettle to heat up!

Rachel (from bedroom): Can you come fluff my pillow again?

Ross: Be there in a second!

Rachel (from bedroom): Don't forget my juice!

Ross: Phoebe threw it out!

Rachel (from bedroom): Phoebe!

Phoebe: You don't need juice! You need a eucalyptus rub! Why can't anyone use the rub?

Annette: What happened with Rachel?

Ross: She came home sick a few hours ago. I'm guessing she got whatever Joey and Emma have.

Annette: So I guess that means Ben's gonna be sick before too long, as well.

Ross: Probably.

Phoebe: Where IS Ben, anyway?

Ross: Carol came and got him before Rachel came home.

Rachel (from bedroom): Ross!

Ross: In a second! I'm trying to get Phoebe and Annette sick!

_Phoebe and Annette look at each other, and run out the door. Ross smiles._

Ross: Never fails.

_Ross walks into his and Rachel's bedroom. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is in the kitchen, cooking soup and talking on the phone._

Ross: No, Mon, you don't need to come over here. I got everything under control.

_A pause._

Ross: Hey, I've taken care of sick people before!

_A pause._

Ross: Yes, I have! Remember the time you and Mom came down with that cold, while Dad was out of town?

_A pause._

Ross: Hey, you got better! So don't complain about a few rope burns.

_A knock is heard. Ross looks up._

Ross: Mon, I'll call you back. Someone's at the door. And if it's Joey trying to order a pizza again, I'm gonna kill him.

_A pause._

Ross: Bye.

_Ross hangs up, walks over, and opens the door. Emily is standing in the doorway._

Ross: Emily…

Emily: Hello, Ross.

_Ross stares in shock. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is sitting in the living room, playing with the twins. Enter Monica, sneezing._

Monica: Damn that stupid Joey! He got me sick!

Chandler: I TOLD you going over there to take care of him was a bad idea.

_Monica glares at Chandler._

Monica: Shut up, at least my treatment worked.

Chandler: Yeah, stuffing him full of chicken soup and cold medication sure did the trick.

Monica: He isn't sneezing.

Chandler: He's barely CONSCIOUS.

Monica: Whatever. I'm going to bed.

_Monica walks over. Chandler stands up with the twins and runs across the room._

Chandler: What do you think you're doing?

Monica: Kissing the kids good night!

Chandler: NO way! You're sick, so you're not coming anywhere near the kids. You're under QUARRANTINE.

Monica: What?

_Chandler runs out of the room with the kids. Monica stares in shock._

**(A/N DUN DUN DUN!)**


	6. The One With Joey's Suit

**(A/N Credit goes to FriendsShow on Twitter for the tiger toe grabbing bit.)**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Joey and Annette are sharing the armchair. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the chairs at the end table. Mike is sitting by the counter._

Joey: Hey, did you guys see that HBO documentary the other night, called "Superheroes"?

Ross: No, I was grading papers.

Chandler: I would have, but I was busy.

Monica: What? You were not! What were you doing?

Chandler: …stuff.

Monica: You were watching the game and tweeting about it with Ross!

Chandler: …was not.

Phoebe: Why are you asking?

Joey: Well, because these guys go out and commit heroic deeds night after night, just because they can. I was inspired by this.

Annette: The only things you're inspired to do are eat and watch Baywatch.

Joey: Hey, I don't see you arguing when I order a large New York style!

Rachel: So why did you mention this?

Joey: Because I wanna get the BLT Gang back together.

Chandler: Okay!

Annette: No! NO WAY am I wearing that outfit again, Tribbiani!

Joey: Actually, I was gonna ask Rachel if she wanted to wear it this time.

_A pause._

Annette: To the Baconcave! There's crime to be stopped!

_Annette, Chandler, and Joey run out the door. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table. Mike is sitting in the chair._

Monica: It's been six hours! Where are they?

Rachel: Calm down, Mon! They're all adults, they'll be fine.

Monica: HELLO. This is Joey and Chandler we're talking about! You DO remember Joey and Chandler?

Rachel: Annette's with them.

_Monica glares at Rachel. A pause._

Rachel: Honey, can you turn on the news?

_Ross reaches for the remote. Enter Joey, Chandler, and Annette, looking disheveled. _

Monica: Oh my God! What happened to you guys? And why is Joey not wearing pants?

_Annette and Chandler glare at Joey._

Annette: You wanna answer that one, fearless leader?

Joey: No. She'll hurt me.

Monica: SOMEONE better be answering me soon!

Chandler: Or what?

Monica: YOU won't be getting any tonight.

Ross: I didn't need to know that!

_Monica points to Joey and Annette._

Monica: As for you two…

Annette: You can't do anything to us.

Monica: Wanna bet?

_Monica turns to Phoebe._

Monica: Phoebe, they shopped POTTERY BARN.

Phoebe: They WHAT!

Annette: Rachel! You swore on that stack of Vogue magazines you wouldn't tell!

Rachel: I'm sorry, but she forced it from me!

Annette: How?

Rachel: …a pair of Gucci boots.

_Phoebe stands up, as Joey and Annette start backing for the door._

Phoebe: Rachel, do you have a paddle, or a cutting board?

Rachel: I think we have a board. Why?

Phoebe: PHOEBE SMASH!

Annette: You know, I think I left the stove on.

Joey: Yeah, and I think I left Huggsy near the stove.

_Joey and Annette start running for the door._

Phoebe: Freeze!

Joey: If we stay, do we get hit?

Phoebe: No.

Annette: Oh, good.

Phoebe: You get…this!

_Phoebe turns to Ross._

Phoebe: Ross, what was the difference between the Jurassic and the Cretaceous periods?

Ross: Well, the major differences between the two ages can be recognized in-

Chandler: Joey tried to grab a tiger by its toe!

Monica: You did WHAT?

Joey and Annette: Chandler!

Chandler: Hey, I can handle being cut off from sex. But there is NO WAY I am listening to one of Ross's dino lectures!

_Monica and Phoebe start smacking Joey._

Joey: Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it!

Phoebe: No! You tried to grab a tiger by its toe! Why would you do that to the poor tiger!

Joey: Chandler told me to!

Monica: You WHAT!

Chandler: I did not! I told him to use the Eenie Meenie Miney Moe method to pick which direction to go! HE was the one who decided he needed to go to the Central Park Zoo and grab a tiger by the toe.

Joey: Well, that's what the game said to do.

Mike: Wait, hold on. You went ALL the way to the Central Park Zoo to grab a tiger's toe because of a child's game?

Joey: Yeah.

Mike: Where was Annette while this decision was going on?

Annette: Inside a c-store, getting a drink, and getting hit on.

Joey: Wait, he was hitting on you? You told me he was asking for directions!

Annette: He was staring at my chest! Are you seriously trying to tell me you didn't notice that?

Rachel: Okay, before Joey and Annette get into an argument, I need to ask: Joey, what happened to your pants?

Joey: I took them off to throw at the security guard chasing us.

_The gang stares at Joey._

Joey: What?

Ross: You took your PANTS off to throw at someone CHASING you?

Joey: Hey, you're not gonna go chasing someone who just threw a pair of pants at you!

_A pause._

Chandler: You know, he's got a point.

Ross: Yeah. I really can't argue that one.

Monica: Joey, what the hell were you THINKING? You could've been mauled by that tiger!

_Joey gasps. _

Joey: You mean little Joey…?

Monica: Would have been NO Joey. That was the stupidest thing you've ever done! Do you even STOP to think about your actions?

_Everyone stares at Monica in shock. Joey glares._

Joey: Fine. If that's the way you feel about me and my "stupid actions", then I'm leaving while I still have my dignity.

_Joey walks to the door in his SpongeBob boxer shorts, grabs a cookie, and takes a bite._

Joey (mouth full): And I'm so upset, I can barely eat this cookie!

_Joey exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Monica is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Chandler are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is working behind the counter. __Ross is reading National Geographic._

Ross: Hey, here's an interesting fact. Apparently, a primitive tribe in Africa was recently discovered using-

_Chandler snores._

Chandler: Oh, sorry. You were just boring me to sleep over here.

_Ross__glares at Chandler._

Phoebe: Has anyone seen or heard anything from Joey today?

Rachel: Not since he stormed out of our apartment after what SOMEONE said to him…

_The__gang glares at Monica._

Monica: What? He could have been seriously hurt or even killed by that tiger! I think he deserved the scolding he got.

_Enter__Joey in a suit and tie. Everyone gasps__and stares._

Ross: JOEY!

Joey: Oh, good afternoon.

_Joey__walks over to the counter._

Joey: Gunther, may I please have a regular coffee to go?

Gunther: Uh, sure.

Joey: Thank you.

_Gunther__sets down a cup and muffin._

Gunther: Here you go.

Joey: What's this?

Gunther: A muffin.

Joey: But I didn't order a muffin.

Gunther: It's on the house.

Joey: Oh, no thank you. Perhaps my friends would like to split it.

Mike: Did…did he just turn down FREE FOOD?

Phoebe: I think he did!

Annette: Who are you, and where's the REAL Joey?

_Joey smiles._

Joey: Well, I better get to the set. Thank you, Gunther. Good day, everyone.

_Joey exits. Annette glares at Monica._

Monica: What?

Annette: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BOYFRIEND!

Monica: I didn't do anything! Although I DO like the new look and attitude…

_Annette points at Monica._

Annette: Reverse your spell, witch!

Monica: I didn't cast a spell!

Phoebe: Ooh! What if she IS a witch, but she's a good one, like one from the Wizard of Oz?

Annette: If she's good, she'll give me back my Joey.

Monica: I'M NOT A WITCH!

Annette: I'll be watching you.

_Annette points at Monica. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette and Rachel are sitting in the chairs, watching Days of our Lives._

Rachel: You have to be the luckiest woman on the planet.

Annette: Why?

Rachel: You're dating Dr. Drake Remoray. Just about every woman in the world would kill to be you.

Annette: You dated him, too.

Rachel: DATED. Past tense.

_Annette looks over at Rachel, smiling._

Annette: You're crushing on Joey!

Rachel: I am not! Just…maybe a little on Drake Remoray…

_Annette giggles. Enter Joey._

Annette: Hi, honey.

Joey: Hello, darling.

Rachel: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Oh, I didn't realize we had company.

_Joey kisses Rachel's hand. Rachel blushes. Annette glares at Rachel._

Rachel: What?

Annette: Stop blushing!

Rachel: I'm not blushing!

Annette: Oh, please. Your face is redder than my hair.

_Rachel glares at Annette. Annette turns to Joey._

Annette: What're you doing home already?

Joey: Oh, I thought I'd take a shower and change clothes before I go back out.

Annette: Go where?

Joey: I volunteered my time to help the production team tonight. If you charming ladies will excuse me…

Annette: Hold it! What the hell's going on, Joey? Three days ago, I had trouble getting you to remember to put the seat down, and now you're wearing suits, talking sophisticated, volunteering, and turning down free food?

Rachel: You got him to remember to put the seat down? How did you do that? I STILL can't get Ross to remember to do that!

Annette: Later. (to Joey) So? What's going on?

Joey: I realized Monica was right. I spend too much time goofing off, and not thinking about the consequences of my actions. So now, I'm going to do things that are safe, and grown up. Now, if you charming ladies will excuse me, I need to change.

_Joey exits to his room._

Annette: Where's Monica?

Rachel: Over at our place, going over wedding plans with Ross.

Annette: Have some bail money ready for me.

Rachel: Why?

Annette: Because I'm going to KILL her!

_Annette storms out. Scene changes to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are sitting at the table, looking over a wedding brochure._

Monica: So I'm thinking we could ask about this loca-

_Enter Annette, fuming._

Annette: YOU.

_Monica and Ross look at one another, and then at Annette._

Ross: Her or me?

Annette: HER.

Monica: What?

_Annette charges forward and begins hitting Monica._

Annette: You corrupted my boyfriend!

Monica: Ow, ow, ow! Stop hitting me!

Annette: No!

Monica: Ross! A little help, here!

_Ross remains seated._

Monica (sarcastically): THANK you, brother. I love you, too.

Ross: Would YOU get between Annette and her target?

_A pause._

Monica: Point made.

Annette: Do you know why Joey's been wearing suits, acting all "mature", and turning down free food?

Monica: No. Why?

Annette: Because of what you said to him!

Monica: What?

Annette: You turned him into this…robot!

Monica: He's more responsible now, and thinking of others!

Annette: I don't want a robot! I want my boyfriend!

Monica: Annette, he's thinking about his actions!

Annette: HE'S NOT JOEY!

Ross: Annette…

Annette: No, you know what? You're right.

_Annette walks to the door, and turns back to Monica._

Annette (voice breaking): Congratulations, Monica. You killed the man I love. I hope you can live with that.

_Annette leaves. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the couch, looking over numerous tax forms. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Oh, hi, Mon.

Monica: What're you doing?

Joey: The coffee shop is being audited, so I offered to go over these tax forms for Gunther for the last 8 years.

Monica: YOU'RE going over them? Joey, you get mesmerized over the Count from Sesame Street counting!

Joey: I liked his accent!

_Monica sits down on the couch._

Monica: Annette told me why you're doing this. And while I really enjoy seeing you in a suit, I don't want you to do this.

Joey: Monica, you were right. I'm reckless, stupid, and I never take the time to think about my actions. I need to grow up.

Monica: No! No you don't, Joey! Sure, you've done some stupid things in your time, you can clean a fridge of food I wouldn't feed to a toxic waste dump, but you've also got a big heart. You opened your house to a complete stranger, and gave her a place to live. You even fell in love, and entered a committed relationship with her! And that woman wants the goofball she fell in love with back.

Joey: But you said-

Monica: Joey, I'm pregnant. I have pregnancy hormones, and they can get the better of me. When I was yelling at you, you know what I saw?

_Joey shakes his head._

Monica: You, in jail. Or worse: dead. All I saw was that image, and me having to explain to your family why you were dead. As well as explaining to Jack and Erica why Uncle Joey was playing with the angels in Heaven. I couldn't shake that image, and I blew up at you because I was scared. I shouldn't have done that. And I'm sorry.

_Monica grabs Joey's hand._

Monica: Joey, Annette's upstairs right now, crying in your apartment, because she thinks the goofball she loves is gone forever. And for all I know, she may be right. But if you love her at all, and if you love us, please stop being this person you think we want, and be the goofball we love.

_Joey hugs Monica._

Joey: Thanks, Mon.

_Monica stands up._

Monica: I gotta go to work. I'll see you later.

Joey: Okay. Oh, hey Monica?

Monica: Yeah?

Joey: Does Chandler know anything about taxes?

Monica: Not a thing. We've been using a tax place to do ours since we got married.

_Monica exits. Joey stands up and runs for the counter._

Joey: Uh, Gunther…!

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in her chair, reading Mother Goose to Chick and Duck Jr._

Annette: Wee Willy Winkie ran through the town. Upstairs, downstairs, in his nightgown! (to Chick and Duck Jr.) Sounds a lot like Daddy, doesn't it?

_Duck Jr. quacks._

Annette: Yeah, you're right. The cops SHOULD arrest him.

_Enter Joey in a flannel shirt and Bermuda shorts._

Joey: Hey, hon.

Annette: Hey Jo-

_Annette looks up and stars laughing._

Annette: Oh my god, what happened to your suit?

Joey: I had to return it to Wardrobe. They weren't very happy about me taking it without checking it out, but they let me go through the Leftover Clothes box. This was the only stuff that would fit.

Annette: What did the cab driver say?

Joey: I took the subway home.

Annette: What did the people on there say?

Joey: I told them I was deciding where to go for my vacation. Got quite a few suggestions, too.

_Joey pulls a wad of papers from his pocket and throws it on the counter._

Joey: Listen, Annette, I just wanted to apologize for the way I've been acting the last few days.

Annette: Joey, I-

Joey: Let me finish. Monica's words made me think that I needed to grow up and start acting like an adult, because people were tired of me being a goof off. I figured if I acted sophisticated and talked like Ross, I'd be treated like an adult, and I might start believing it, myself. But I didn't. I hated every second of it, but I wanted people to see me as an equal. I just didn't realize I was hurting the one person I love the most by changing myself. I'm sorry, Annette.

Annette: Joey, I don't care what you wear, or how you act. I love you for who you are: the goofball. I don't want you to be an emotionless robot; I want you to be YOU. Okay? THAT'S who I love: Joseph Francis Tribbiani.

_Joey winces._

Annette (giggling): Sorry. Just…don't ever change who you are again.

Joey: I won't.

_Joey kisses Annette passionately._

Joey: I love you, Annette.

Annette: I love you, too, Joey.

Joey: Hey, you wanna watch Terminator?

Annette: Nah, I'm pretty tired. I think I'll go to bed.

_Annette begins walking toward Joey's room._

Joey: Uh, Annette…that's my room.

Annette (smiling): I know.

_Annette winks, and walks into Joey's room. Joey runs to the door, and opens it._

Joey: I'm gonna have sex!

_The door to 20 opens, an arm appears, and flings a condom._

Joey: Thanks, Ross!

_Ross gives Joey a thumbs up, and slams the door. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Annette are standing in the kitchen, dressed as Pebbles and Bam-Bam._

Joey: Looks like they're out of ice.

Annette: How can they be out of ice? They have a huge tray in there. NO ONE uses that much ice in a day!

_Joey glares at Annette._

Annette: Oh, right.

Joey: Well, I put ice trays in the freezer.

Annette: We'd have a working ice machine if SOMEONE hadn't been messing with it.

Joey: Hey, I am not paying someone $40 to turn a screw and make the machine work! I can do that, myself.

Annette: You shot a cube across the apartment!

Joey: You gotta admit, the banking off the hockey table was pretty cool.

_Enter Ross and Rachel from their bedroom. Ross is dressed as Indiana Jones. Rachel is dressed as a sexy cavewoman._

Ross: What's all the racket ou-?

_A pause._

Joey: Um, we're just gonna-

Rachel: Yeah, we'll just-

Annette: You guys didn't see-

Ross: Not if you didn't see-

Joey: Okay, we'll just, uh…

Rachel: Yeah.

_Ross and Rachel run back into their bedroom, as Joey and Annette run out the door._


	7. The One With The Halloween Party

_Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is standing naked in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. Enter Annette from Joey's room, yawning._

Joey: Morning.

_Annette shrieks._

Joey: What?

Annette: WHY ARE YOU NAKED?

Joey: Because it's Thursday!

Annette: So?

Joey: So, Chandler and I had this tradition while he was living here, called Naked Thursdays. Every Thursday, we'd just lounge around, clothes free.

Annette: What if someone came to the door?

Joey: Remember the stories of Ugly, Naked Guy we told you?

Annette: Yeah.

Joey: Let's just say, UPS wasn't the only one delivering packages.

_Annette cringes._

Joey: Come on, give it a try. You might enjoy it.

Annette: Oh, all right.

_Annette strips off her nightshirt. _

Annette: You're right, this IS pretty fun.

_Enter Ross, panting._

Ross: I heard a shriek, is everything all right?

_Annette shrieks again, runs into Joey's room, and slams the door. Ross looks at Joey._

Ross: Naked Thursday?

Joey: Yep.

_Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Phoebe, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Mike and Chandler are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Ross and Rachel are reading magazines._

Monica: Ross, can you pass me the sugar?

_Ross reaches over to the table, grabs a salt shaker, and hands it to Monica, while continuing to read his magazine._

Monica: THANK you, brother. The doctor said I needed more sodium in my diet.

Ross: Uh huh.

_Monica shakes her head, and grabs the sugar dispenser. Phoebe turns to Rachel._

Phoebe: Rachel?

Rachel: Huh?

Phoebe: I'm going shopping today at Bloomingdale's. Wanna join me?

Rachel: Uh huh.

Phoebe: I'm gonna donate everything I buy to a fashion-blind person, and sell all your purchases to a traveling carnival.

Rachel: Uh huh.

Phoebe: And then I'm gonna rampage through the store, and destroy all the fur.

Rachel: Uh huh.

_Phoebe shakes her head._

Monica: What are you two reading that's so fascinating, anyway?

Ross: Scientific American.

Rachel: Vogue.

Monica: Where's Emma?

Rachel: Mom.

Phoebe: Why aren't you at work?

Ross and Rachel: Day off.

_Monica stares at Ross. Enter Joey and Annette, holding hands._

Joey: Hey, guys.

Chandler: Hey, naked people.

_Joey whirls around and glares at Ross._

Joey: You TOLD them?

Ross: Uh huh.

Joey: Ross!

Mike: Joey, he and Rachel are too into their magazines to be paying attention. Just ignore them.

_Annette giggles._

Annette: I gotta clock in, hon.

Joey: Yeah, and I gotta get to the set. I get to kill a coma patient today.

_Annette kisses Joey._

Annette: Have fun. I'll see you tonight.

Joey: Bye.

_Joey heads for the door._

Monica: Oh, Joey. Chandler and I are having a costume party this weekend at the house, so if you wanna get something on your way home…

Ross: Just don't get Flintstones.

Annette: I wouldn't recommend Indiana Jones for you either, PROFESSOR.

_Ross and Rachel bury their faces in their magazines. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is standing in the kitchen, dressed in a policewoman kiss-o-gram outfit._

Rachel: Ross, come on! We're gonna be late!

Ross (from bedroom): I'm not coming out!

Rachel: Please?

Ross (from bedroom): No!

_Enter Joey and Annette. Joey is wearing a bed sheet. Annette is dressed in a jump suit, with an inflatable proton pack._

Annette: You guys ready to go?

Rachel: No, Ross won't come out of the bedroom. He thinks he looks ridiculous.

Joey (to the door): Don't worry, Rach. I'm sure his outfit isn't that bad.

Rachel: Uh, Joey? I'm over here.

_Annette grabs Joey by the shoulder and turns him around._

Joey: Thanks, Ross.

_Rachel looks at Annette._

Annette: He can't see a thing.

Rachel: Joey, why didn't you cut some holes in that thing, so you can see?

Joey: Annette won't let me. It's one of the sheets off our bed.

Annette: You are not cutting holes in our good sheets! We have to SLEEP on these!

Joey: Then how am I supposed to see?

Annette: Sonar.

Rachel: Honey, come on! I promise no one will laugh at you!

Ross: Fine! But if anyone laughs, I'm leaving!

_Enter Ross in a Roman centurion outfit. Annette starts laughing._

Annette: Nice outfit…chicken legs.

Ross: That's it; I'm getting the dinosaur costume from the shop!

Rachel: You are not! Monica said we were doing themed costumes this year, and you said that I could pick the theme! Now stop complaining, we're gonna be late!

Ross: I said DINO themes! DINO!

_Rachel drags Ross out the door. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is running around the kitchen, dressed as Raggedy Ann._

Monica: Chandler! Are you ready yet? The guys will be here soon!

_Enter Chandler, dressed as the Tenth Doctor._

Chandler: All set.

Monica: Why are you dressed like that?

Chandler: Because if I run around naked, people tend to stare at me.

Monica: We said we were doing themed costumes this year!

Chandler: This IS my theme!

Monica: What, Irritate Your Wife and End Up Sleeping on the Couch?

Chandler: No, this matches the TARDIS in the front yard for when I hand out candy to the trick-or-treaters.

Monica: We're not handing out candy this year!

Chandler: We're not?

Monica: No!

Chandler: Why not?

Monica: Because I didn't have a chance to buy any this year!

Chandler: I better shut off the porch light, then!

_The doorbell rings. Monica glares at Chandler._

Monica: You better hope that's not a trick-or-treater.

_Monica walks to the foyer, and opens the door. Enter Ross, Rachel, Joey, Annette, Phoebe, and Mike. Phoebe is dressed in a princess costume. Mike is dressed as a knight._

Rachel: Hi! Sorry we're late.

Monica: That's okay. You made it, that's all that matters.

Rachel: That's…strangely nice of you.

Monica: What? I can be nice!

_Ross glares._

Monica: Okay, fine. I'm mad at Chandler.

Joey (to coat rack): You look great, Mon. Love the costume.

Monica: Uh, Joey…?

_Annette grabs Joey's shoulder, and turns him toward Monica._

Joey: Thanks, Ross.

_Annette smacks Joey upside the head._

Joey: Ow!

Annette: That was ME, you dunce!

Monica: Joey, why don't you just cut some holes in that thing, so you can see?

Joey: Annette won't let me.

Monica: Why not?

Annette: He ripped the bed sheet from off the bed! I am NOT gonna let him cut holes in it! We sleep under that thing, you know!

Monica: He's gonna hurt himself running into walls!

Annette: How is this different for him than any other day?

_A pause._

Monica: Good point.

Phoebe: Where's Raggedy Andy?

Monica: If he's smart, he's getting his raggedy butt upstairs to change into his raggedy costume.

_Monica grabs Joey's shoulder._

Monica: Come on, Joey. Let's go get you a sheet you can cut some holes in, before you hurt yourself.

_Monica leads Joey out. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's hallway. Monica, Rachel, Annette, and Phoebe are standing outside of Monica and Chandler's bedroom._

Monica: Honey, come out!

Chandler (from bedroom): No!

Monica: Chandler, get out here!

Chandler (from bedroom): No! You can't make me!

_Enter Ross, Joey, and Mike._

Ross: What's going on?

Annette: Chandler won't come out. He thinks he looks ridiculous.

Chandler (from bedroom): I do! And SOMEONE put too much blush on my cheeks!

_Rachel blushes._

Monica: See, this is why I don't let you do makeovers for me.

Rachel: You have high cheekbones!

Annette: And you stuff your bra!

Rachel: Shut up, butt jiggler!

Ross: Chandler, come out of there! We promise not to laugh!

Chandler (from bedroom): Fine, but the first person who giggles is gonna find a sonic screwdriver crammed where the sun don't shine!

_Enter Chandler in a Raggedy Andy costume. Everyone stares, as Chandler glares at them._

Chandler: Don't anyone so much as SNICKER.

_Annette giggles._

Annette: Wow. Your cheeks are redder than a rose.

Chandler: AND we're changing.

_Monica grabs Chandler's arm._

Monica: Oh, no you don't! You said we could do themed costumes, and this is the theme I picked!

Chandler: But-

Monica: No buts! If Ross can show up in a leather skirt, you can go downstairs with blush on your cheeks for one night!

Chandler: Fine. But if the neighbors show up, YOU get to explain to them why I look like your father-in-law.

_Monica drags Chandler downstairs. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's dining room. Monica, Rachel, and Annette are walking between the kitchen and dining room, carrying out snack foods. Ross, Chandler, and Mike are sitting in the living room, watching a movie. Phoebe and Joey are standing by the table._

Monica: Incoming!

_Enter Monica with a tray in her hands._

Monica: Annette, you got the punch bowl?

Annette (from kitchen): Are you kidding me? This isn't a punch bowl, it's a freaking cauldron!

Monica: It keeps the theme, now get it out here!

_Enter Annette and Rachel, both carrying a punch bowl shaped as a steaming cauldron._

Annette: Okay, easy! Easy, now! We drop this, and we're gonna be eating flies for the rest of our lives!

_Monica glares at Annette, as Annette and Rachel set the punch bowl on the table._

Monica: Okay, so we have a damsel in distress and a knight in shining armor, a ghost and Ghostbuster, Raggedy Anne and Raggedy Andy, and I'm guessing Ross and Rachel are supposed to be Amy Pond and Rory Williams.

Rachel (to Ross): See, I TOLD you people would get it!

Ross: Tell that to the cab driver who was staring at your legs the whole way over!

Rachel: Oh, like the girls coming out of the coffee shop weren't staring at yours while we were waiting for the cab!

Joey: If you got it, flaunt it.

_Rachel and Annette glare at Joey._

Monica: So Phoebe, do you have a name picked out for your princess costume?

Phoebe: Yep. I am Princess Consuela Banana Hammock!

_Chandler looks at Mike._

Chandler: And I take you're Sir Crapbag?

Mike: Nah, I let her have this one for tonight.

Joey: Uh, Phoebe, you DO know what a Banana Hammock is, right?

Phoebe: Uh huh. It's the name I chose for tonight.

Joey: I mean, besides that.

Phoebe: Oh. No, what?

_Joey leans closer and whispers. Phoebe gasps._

Phoebe: I am now known as Princess Consuela Green Forest!

Monica: Well, Princess Green Forest, you better get over here before Joey eats all of the food.

_The doorbell rings._

Monica: Who could that be?

Chandler: Probably trick-or-treaters.

Monica: Didn't you turn the porch light off?

Chandler: No.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I have candy for them…in my Doctor costume.

Monica: You are not going upstairs to change!

Chandler: And YOU'RE not picking the costumes anymore!

Monica: What? I pick good costumes!

Chandler: No, you don't!

Monica: Name one time I didn't pick a good costume!

Ross: Now or when we were kids?

Monica: Shut up, chicken legs.

Chandler: Bunny costume.

Monica: It was cute!

Chandler: It was PINK!

Rachel: Uh, guys?

Monica: You called yourself Bugs!

Chandler: It was pink!

Monica: Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy are classic!

Chandler: They're DOLLS!

Phoebe: Guys…

Monica: It's a theme!

Chandler: It's a DOLL!

Annette: Hey! Nerds!

_Chandler and Monica turn to glare at Annette. Annette points at the doorway. Chandler and Monica turn around to see Joey standing in the doorway, with a group of costumed children in front of him. Two adults stand behind the kids, looking nervously around._

Chandler and Monica: Hi.

Boy: Mom, look! They have cookies!

Woman: Zack, remember your manners!

Monica: Uh, Joey? You wanna explain?

Joey: These are the trick-or-treaters at the door. I didn't know where the candy was, so I let them in so they wouldn't be cold, while I went to find it. By the way, it's a real pain turning the doorknob.

Annette: Did you try turning it with the sheet again?

_A pause._

Joey: Dammit!

Man: Uh, we can see you folks are having a party. We don't wanna intrude, so we'll just be going.

Monica: Oh, no, no, no! Please, you're welcome to stay.

Woman: Oh. Um, thank you.

Monica: I'm Monica, by the way.

Man: I'm Brian, and this is my wife, JoAnn.

_Brian points to the kids._

Brian: This is Zack, Johnny, and Ashley.

_Monica points to Ross._

Monica: That's my brother Ross, and his fiancée Rachel. The princess by the table is our friend Phoebe, her husband Mike, Mike's cousin Annette, the sheet next to you is Joey, and the soon-to-be-dead Raggedy Andy trying to sneak upstairs is my husband Chandler.

_Greetings are exchanged._

Johnny: Mom, can we have some cookies?

JoAnn: Ask Monica.

Johnny: Monica, can I have some cookies?

Monica: Only if your mom says it's okay.

Johnny: Augh! Do they TEACH moms how to talk like this?

Annette: We can't confirm or deny that.

_Johnny stomps off. Scene ends and opens in the hallway of Monica and Chandler's house. Brian, JoAnn, and family are standing on the porch. Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Mike, Annette, and Joey are standing by the curb. Monica and Chandler are standing in the doorway._

Brian: Well, this was definitely fun. And a lot safer for the kids than dodging traffic.

JoAnn: It was nice meeting you all. I hope we can do this again sometime.

Monica: So do we.

_Brian and JoAnn turn to leave._

Brian: By the way, Chandler, who's TARDIS, is that in your yard?

Chandler: Mine.

Brian: You built it?

Chandler: Yep.

Brian: That's impressive!

Chandler: Thank you. Joey thought it was real, and tried to fly it. Remind me to show you the video of him running into the doors.

_Brian laughs, and walks off with JoAnn and family. Chandler puts his arm around Monica._

Chandler: All in all, it was a great night.

Monica: It was. But you're still not picking the costumes next year.

_Chandler glares at Monica. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Joey's bedroom. Joey is lying in bed, clutching his stomach and moaning. Annette rolls over, and groans._

Annette: What now?

Joey: Tummy hurts.

Annette: I told you not to eat all the lady fingers at Monica's party.

Joey: But they were good!

Annette: And that's why you have a stomachache!

Joey: Like yours was any better, after the hot dogs…

_Annette glares at Joey. Joey chuckles, and then clutches his stomach and moans. Annette gets out of bed._

Joey: Where are you going?

Annette: Times Square. The traffic noise there will be quieter than you are.

_Annette grabs a pillow, and walks out the door._

**(A/N Yeah, I know updates are few & far when compared to last season. It's because I'm trying to balance this against accelerated college courses, & everything else I have going on in my life. I'd rather take longer to finish these to give you guys a good story, than rush it & give you crap. So I'm asking for your understanding on this. If you can't or won't be patient, then I can't do a thing for you.)**


	8. The One With The Vampires

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch, reading a story to Emma. Rachel and Ben are sitting at the table. Rachel is applying make-up to Ben's face. Enter Carol and Susan, dressed as vampires._

Carol and Susan: Hi!

Rachel: Hi! Come on in, we're almost finished here.

_Ben begins squirming._

Rachel: Ben, hold still. I can't get this on with you squirming around.

Ben: It's cold.

Rachel: It'll warm up in a minute. You're worse than your Uncle Joey with suntan lotion.

Ben: Dad, have you seen my fangs anywhere?

Ross: I think you left them in the bathroom.

_Ben jumps up and runs into the bathroom._

Ross: I can't believe your work postponed your Halloween party to today.

Carol: Well, they didn't have many people wanting to come in on Halloween night, because they wanted to take their kids trick-or-treating. So they offered to let us have it tonight.

Rachel: Well, I hope you guys win tonight.

Susan: So do I. I heard one of Carol's co-workers is dressing as a Transformer.

_Enter Ben._

Ben: Check it out, I'm Edward Cullen!

Ross: Who?

Carol: Twilight vampire.

Ross: You let him read Twilight?

Carol: He wanted to check it out!

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey guys, do you have any spicy must-

_Joey notices Carol, Susan, and Ben._

Joey: Vampires!

_Joey runs out the door. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the chair. Annette and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting on the stool at the counter._

Annette: I'm not letting Joey go over to play with you guys anymore.

Rachel: Why?

Annette: Because you scared him!

Monica: What happened?

Rachel: Ben, Carol, and Susan went to Carol's Halloween party at work dressed as vampires.

Ross: And Joey came over to borrow some spicy mustard for a sandwich.

Phoebe: So why don't you want them playing with him anymore?

Annette: Because as soon as I walked in, he was waving a cross in my face, and throwing holy water at me!

_Chandler stands up._

Chandler: Wow, look at the time. I gotta go!

_Chandler runs for the door._

Monica: Freeze!

_Chandler stops by the door. Monica holds out her hand._

Monica: Hand them over.

Annette: Hand what over?

_Chandler reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a pair of vampire fangs. Monica takes the fangs._

Monica: That goes for all of you.

_Four pairs of vampire fangs fill her hand._

Annette: I am shocked at you all! I cannot believe you would-

_Monica glares at Annette._

Annette: What?

Monica: I said ALL of you.

_Annette grumbles, and hands Monica a pair of vampire fangs._

Annette: Party pooper…

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey, guys.

_Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe wrinkle their noses._

Monica: Oh my god, Joey, what's that smell?

Joey: Garlic.

Rachel: UGH, that's strong! What'd you do, bathe in it?

_Joey looks away._

Annette: Joey!

Joey: Well, I don't want any vampires biting me!

Ross: Trust me, they couldn't bite you. No one's gonna get near you with that smell hanging around. In fact, the only thing you need to be worrying about right now are pizza makers who are low on sauce.

Annette: Hmmm, I'm strangely craving pizza now. Who's up for one?

_Joey glares at Annette. Enter a beautiful young woman, carrying a binder._

Woman: Professor Geller! Hi!

Ross: Zoe?

Zoe: Yeah!

Ross: Hey! What, uh, what-what're you doing here?

Zoe: I was looking for you.

Zoe: You're looking really good today.

Ross: Oh! Uh, I'm flattered.

_Zoe looks around._

Zoe: So, this is where you hang out at, when you're not teaching class?

Ross: Uh…

Rachel: Honey?

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: Do you wanna introduce us to your friend, before I kill you both and bury your bodies somewhere in New Jersey?

Ross: Oh! Sure.

_Ross gestures to the gang._

Ross: This is my sister Monica, her husband Chandler, our friend Phoebe, her husband Mike, our next door neighbor Joey, his girlfriend Annette, and the woman threatening to kill us is my fiancée Rachel. Guys, this is Zoe, one of the top students in my class.

Zoe: Hi.

Joey: How YOU doin?

Annette: Joey!

Joey: Sorry! Automatic reaction.

Ross: So why were you looking for me, anyway?

Zoe: I wanted to drop off my term paper for the semester.

Ross: Uh, that's not due for another three weeks.

Zoe: I know, but I'm going to be going out of town for two weeks.

Ross: Why didn't you leave it with the department head?

Zoe: Because the last time I did that, my paper ended up on the desk of the Agricultural Director of North Korea.

Ross: Oh, wow.

Zoe: Yeah. Trying to explain to the State Department why your term paper for Grammar Functionality is sitting on the desk of someone whose name I can't pronounce isn't fun. So I just decided I'd start dropping my papers off directly, so I don't have to go through that again.

Ross: I don't blame you. Well, uh, I'll have a look at it as soon as I can.

Zoe: Okay. Oh, have you read the new issue of Scientific American yet?

Ross: Yeah, I just finished it the other day.

Zoe: Do you remember the story about the tectonic shifting being a possible reason for the new paleontological discoveries being made in the unlikely areas?

Ross: Yeah.

Zoe: Well, I argued against it, but cited several other stories, including that one. Will the department have a problem with it, since it's a new story?

Ross: I doubt they will, but I'll let you know if they do, so you can have time to correct it, if you need to.

Zoe: Thanks.

_Zoe looks at her watch._

Zoe: Oh, I gotta get going. Nice meeting you all. Bye, Professor Geller.

Rachel (mimicking under her breath): Bye, Professor Geller.

Ross: Bye, Zoe.

_Zoe exits. Ross turns to see Rachel glaring at him._

Ross: What?

Rachel: Could you POSSIBLY be anymore wistful?

Ross: Honey, she's just a student. You don't need to be jealous.

Rachel: I'm not jealous.

_Rachel walks toward the door._

Ross: Where are you going?

Rachel: You have a paper to grade, so I'm gonna get Emma from daycare and take her to see my mom.

Ross: Rachel, you really don't need to be jealous.

Rachel: I'm not jealous, Ross!

_Rachel exits._

Ross: She is so jealous.

_A knock on the window is heard. The gang turns to see Rachel mouth "I'm not jealous!" Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is standing by the counter, looking at a piece of paper. Enter Annette._

Annette: Hey, hon.

Joey: Hey. Watch your step.

Annette: Why?

Joey: Because you'll trip the garlic trap I set for the vampires.

Annette: YOU set a trap for them?

Joey: Yeah. See, if they come in the door, they'll be sprayed with garlic essence. If they come in the window and trip the wire, the window slams shut on them, trapping them for a spraying of holy water. Right after that, a spring-loaded cross comes down and smashes into their face.

_Annette stares at Joey._

Joey: What?

Annette: Okay, three things: one, this place is starting to smell like a pizza parlor. Two, garlic only works on werewolves, not vampires. And three, you can draw up complex devices like this, yet I had to train you to remember to put the seat down?

_Joey bumps his fists together. Annette giggles._

Joey: Oh, real funny. You'll be thanking me when we wake up with no holes in our necks.

Annette: I woke up this morning with a HICKEY on my neck. Do you have any idea how much foundation I'm gonna have to use to cover that up?

Joey: Well, maybe next time you'll wake up when I shake you.

Annette: You woke me up over a nightmare! Although, the hickey WOULD explain the dream I had, that some huge leech was sucking on my neck.

Joey: Better me than a vampire, right?

_Annette stares at Joey._

Annette: Why am I still having this conversation with you?

Joey: Because we're discussing how to make this place vampire safe?

_Annette groans._

Annette: I have to get ready for work.

_Annette walks into her room. A few seconds later, Annette appears in the doorway, fuming._

Annette: Get out of my room!

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: I need measurements for the tanning bed!

Annette: Why do you even need a tanning bed?

Joey: Not only can we turn the vampires away from the window, we can get a good tan, while we're at it.

Annette: OUT!

_Annette slams the door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch. Enter Zoe._

Zoe: Hi, Professor Geller.

Ross: Hey, Zoe.

Zoe: You wanted to see me?

Ross: Yes, I did. Sit down.

_Zoe sits down in the armchair._

Ross: Zoe, have you given any thought to what you wanna do when you finish with school?

Zoe: Not really. Why?

Ross: Because you're a smart woman who could make waves in the Paleontology community. And that's why I'm recommending you for an internship in the Paleontology department at the Museum of Natural History.

Zoe: Oh my god!

_Zoe squeals, and hugs Ross. Ross pulls back, to see Rachel standing in the doorway with a hurt look on her face._

Ross: Rachel.

Rachel: You son of a bitch…

_Rachel turns around and leaves. Ross stands up._

Ross: Zoe, we'll talk about this later. I have to talk to her.

Zoe: Right. Good luck, Profe-Ross.

Ross: Thanks, Zoe.

_Ross runs out the door. Scene changes to Ross and Rachel's apartment. Enter Rachel, Ross behind her._

Ross: Rachel, what the hell was that?

Rachel: You bastard! It wasn't enough you did it to me once, you had to do it again?

Ross: What are you-?

Rachel: Her! Your girlfriend!

Ross: Rach, I'm not-

Rachel: Save it, Ross! I'm not gonna listen to it!

Ross: Rachel, please-

Rachel: No, you know what? We're through! My mom was right all along!

_Rachel yanks off her engagement ring and throws it at Ross._

Ross: Honey, will you please listen to me?

Rachel: Don't you "honey" me! Get out of here, you cheating bastard!

Ross: Rachel, I-

Rachel: GET OUT!

_Ross's expression hardens._

Ross: Fine.

_Ross picks up the ring and walks out, slamming the door. Rachel sits down on the couch, sobbing. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Mike are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Annette is working behind the counter. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey.

Annette: Hey. Did you get those contraptions out of the apartment?

Joey: Not yet.

Annette: Joey!

Joey: Hey, I cancelled the tanning bed!

Chandler: What about the holy water you siphoned from the church?

Annette, Monica, and Phoebe: You WHAT?

Joey: I gave it back!

Annette: You BETTER have! What about the garlic sprayers you mounted by the front door?

Joey: Well…

_Annette glares at Joey._

Annette: Who did you spray?

_Enter Alex, soaking wet and reeking of garlic._

Alex: Annette, can we talk about your psycho boyfriend for a moment?

Annette: Joey!

Joey: I didn't know who it was! It was a reaction!

Annette: Joey, get rid of those contraptions, before someone gets hurt.

Joey: No! Those are our only defense against vampires!

Alex: What about werewolves?

Joey: Werewolves?

Alex: Yeah. If you keep out vampires, the werewolves will come in. And I don't think your place is werewolf-proof, is it?

_Alex winks at Annette, as Joey gasps._

Joey: Oh my god, you're right! I gotta get those traps down!

_Joey runs out the door. Annette looks at Alex._

Annette: That was mean.

_Alex grins._

Alex: I learned from the best.

_Annette giggles. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, listlessly watching TV. A knock is heard. Rachel gets up and opens the door to reveal Zoe._

Zoe: Hi. Is Ross here?

Rachel: No.

Zoe: Oh. Do you know when he's due back?

Rachel: Why?

Zoe: Well, I needed to get something from him before tomorrow.

Rachel: What? A wedding ring?

Zoe: Huh?

Rachel: Do you get your high grades from sleeping with your professors? By breaking up happy families?

Zoe: No! I-

Rachel: Or do you just do this for the challenge?

Zoe: I don't-

Rachel: Or are you two slipping away? Getting married?

Zoe: What?

Rachel: Because he's terrible in bed! He has a problem with-

Zoe: Hey, crazy! Shut up!

_Rachel stares at Zoe._

Zoe: I'm not dating Ross!

Rachel: Oh, right! And I suppose you're just leaving for two weeks for your honeymoon!

Zoe: Yes, actually.

Rachel: What?

Zoe: My boyfriend and I are getting married next week, and going away for a week for our honeymoon. Ross is writing me a letter of recommendation for a position at the Museum of Natural History, when I get back. I just stopped by to see if it was done before I leave.

Rachel: You mean…you two weren't dating?

Zoe: Elizabeth was my roommate for a semester. I heard all about her relationship with Ross.

Rachel: So all those "late nights at the office"…

Zoe: ...were actually late nights. He was writing the letter for me, and needed to make sure the facts were right.

Rachel: Oh my god...what have I done?

_Zoe stares in confusion. Enter Ross._

Ross: Oh.

Zoe: Hey, Ross.

Ross: Hey, Zoe.

Zoe: I was just wondering if you finished the letter of recommendation I needed.

Ross: Yeah, I was just coming back from the copiers.

_Ross hands Zoe an envelope._

Ross: I also included a reference to your last paper in there. You should be good to go when you get back.

Zoe: Thanks. I better get going. Bye, Ross.

Ross: Bye, Zoe. And good luck.

Zoe: Thanks.

_Zoe exits. Ross and Rachel stare at each other._

Rachel: Well, she seems like a nice girl.

_Ross glares at Rachel. Rachel smiles nervously._

Rachel: What do you want for dinner?

_Ross continues to glare._

Rachel: Pizza sound good?

_Ross begins walking toward the bedroom._

Rachel: Ross, I'm sorry!

_Ross pauses at the doorway._

Ross: Why didn't you trust me, Rachel?

Rachel: Honey, I'm so sorry!

Ross: You didn't even give me a chance to explain to you what was going on.

Rachel: I know, I'm sorry! I heard Zoe, and I was thinking of that copy girl! And your relationship with Elizabeth-I just-I thought she was hitting on you!

Ross: Maybe we shouldn't be doing this, Rachel. This will never work, as long as you keep thinking I'm cheating on you. Maybe we were better off apart.

Rachel: Ross, no! Please! Don't say that!

Ross: I think I better leave. We can't be together, if you can't trust me.

_Rachel begins to cry._

Rachel: I'm sorry! Ross, please stay! I don't want history to repeat itself!

Ross: Rachel, I-

Rachel: Baby, please! I'll do anything you want, just please don't leave me!

_Ross grabs Rachel's hand, and slides the engagement ring back on._

Ross: With this ring, I be trusted.

_Rachel smiles and wipes the tears from her eyes._

Rachel: With this ring, I trust you.

_Ross and Rachel hug._

Ross: I am never going to cheat on you again, Rachel. Remember what we said the night you got off the plane?

Rachel: This is it.

Ross: And this time, it's going to work.

_Enter Annette._

Annette: Guys, I'm sorry to interrupt your little moment, but I need your help. Joey tripped the window trap, and now he's stuck.

_Ross and Rachel stare at Annette. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey and Annette are sitting in the chairs, watching TV._

Annette: It reeks in here.

Joey: I have the window open. It'll air out.

Annette: It wouldn't have been so bad, if you didn't squirt Alex when she walked in.

Joey: I didn't know it was her! For all I knew, it was a blood-sucking monster!

Annette: Well, considering some of the men she's dated…

_Joey stands up and walks to the door._

Annette: Where are you going?

Joey: Getting a pizza. All this garlic smell is making me hungry.

Annette: Changing the CHANNEL makes you hungry.

_Joey bumps his fists together and exits. A few minutes later, a knock is heard. Annette walks to the door._

Annette: I swear to God, Joey, if you locked yourself out again, I am going to hurt you.

_Annette opens the door. Paul is standing in the doorway._

Annette: Paul…

Paul: Hello, love.

_Annette stares in shock. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey is standing by the bar, holding a muffin._

Joey: So, how many muffins do you guys-?

_Joey turns around to see the gang sitting as werewolves. Scene changes to Joey's bedroom. Joey sits up in bed, and shakes Annette._

Joey: Annette! Wake up!

Annette: Go away, I'm trying to sleep.

Joey: But I need garlic for the werewolves!

Annette: Joey, we told you…

_Annette rolls over and grins, revealing vampire fangs._

Annette: …we'd protect you.

_Joey screams and runs out of 19, into 20._

Joey: Ross! Rachel! Annette is-

_Ross and Rachel turn toward Joey, dark red drinks in hand._

Joey: Uh, what is that?

Ross: Blood. Want some?

_Ross and Rachel grin, also revealing vampire fangs. Joey screams, and runs out the door. Enter Annette._

Rachel: How long do you think he'll be freaking for?

Annette: The whole night, would be my guess.

_Annette takes out her fangs._

Annette: Best 5 bucks I ever spent.

**(A/N Now Paul, too? The plot thickens! 9 will be delayed because of the holidays. Sorry about the slow pace, these times of the year are hell on me. And don't worry readers. The reveals are coming up.)**


	9. The One With The French Lessons

_Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting in the chair, practicing his "French"._

Joey: Jim boop de ploop vem plop.

_Enter Annette from Joey's room._

Annette: Honey, what the hell are you doing?

Joey: I have an audition coming up that requires French speaking. So I'm brushing up on it.

Annette: Yeah, except that isn't French.

Joey: What're you talking about? Of course it's French! The guy on the tape even said it was, when I was practicing it last time I needed to know French.

Annette: Oh, really?

Joey: Yeah.

Annette: Etiez-vous tomber sur la tête comme un bébé?

(**A/N For those of you that don't speak French, Annette just asked Joey if he was dropped on his head as a baby. Or as close as the translator can make it.)**

Joey: What was that gibberish?

Annette: That wasn't gibberish; that was French!

Joey: That was gibberish. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a shower and practice REAL French.

_Joey walks into the bathroom, muttering in "French" to himself, as Annette glares. A few minutes later, water is heard running. Annette walks into the bathroom, and flushes the toilet. Joey starts screaming, as Annette walks out._

Annette: French THAT.

_Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Ross is reading to Emma. Rachel is sitting in the chair, reading a magazine. Mike and Chandler are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is sitting at the counter._

Ross: What's a doggy say?

Emma: Woof!

Ross: Good! What's a kitty say?

Emma: Meow!

Ross: Right! What's a cow say?

Emma: Moo!

Ross: Very good, honey!

Annette: She is so CUTE!

Monica: So are my kids. In fact, just the other day, Erica tried to-

Annette: She's got your brains, Ross.

Ross: And Rachel's looks.

Annette: She's gonna be a heartbreaker when she grows up.

Monica: Hey, my kids can do cute things, too, you know!

Ross: Yeah, that's great, Mon.

_Monica glares, as Ross turns back to Emma._

Ross: What's a duck say?

Emma: Aflac!

_Rachel begins giggling._

Ross: No, sweetie, a duck says "quack". What's a dino say?

Emma: Dino dumb!

_Rachel begins laughing, as Emma claps her hands and laughs along. Ross glares at Rachel._

Ross: You put her up to that, didn't you?

Rachel: I don't know what you're talking about, Geller. I would never do a thing like that.

Ross: Oh yeah? Well, two can play that game.

_Ross taps on Emma's shoulder._

Ross: Emma, honey? What were Mommy and Daddy on?

Emma: Bweak!

_Ross laughs, as Rachel glares._

Rachel: You put her up to that, didn't you?

Ross: I don't know what you're talking about, Green. I would never do a thing like that.

Rachel: I'm starting to rethink this engagement…

_Enter Joey._

Ross: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Jum de boo ploop.

Ross: …what the hell was that?

Joey: French. I'm practicing for a role I'm auditioning for.

Chandler: Was THAT what that was? I thought you were having a stroke.

Phoebe: Okay, um, Joey? Once again, I have to point out that you're still NOT SPEAKING FRENCH!

Joey: Yes I am! You even said I was last time I had to practice!

Annette: He's been doing that for three days now. I can't get it through to him that he's not speaking French, and that he's gonna get laughed out of the audition.

Monica: Yeah yeah, that's great. Joey, you think my kids are cute, right?

Joey: Sure! I think Ben and Emma are the cutest kids ever.

Ross: Uh, Joey, those are MY kids.

Joey: Oh. Wait, which ones are yours again?

_Monica screams._

Monica: Nobody thinks my kids are cute!

Gunther: I think they're cute.

Monica: THANK you, Gunther. You see? SOMEONE likes my kids.

Gunther: In fact, there's a pageant for kids coming up. Top prize is $500.

Monica: Really? Good! I'll enter Erica into it, she'll win, and that'll prove once and for all that my daughter is cuter than my niece!

Chandler: Honey, Erica is too young to enter. She's only a baby!

Monica: And when she wins, that'll prove that she's cuter than Emma! Their daughter couldn't win this, even if she tried!

_A pause._

Rachel: Excuse me?

Monica: You heard me! Your daughter couldn't beat my daughter!

Rachel: Are you saying my daughter is less cute than yours?

Ross: Uh, Rach, you might wanna-

Rachel: Bup bup bup bup bup bup! That sounds like a challenge, to me.

Monica: Bring it on, Green!

Rachel: Oh, it's brought, Bing!

Monica: Sweetie, let's go. I have to go get Erica. We have a pageant to win!

Rachel: You and Erica will be eating Green dust!

_Monica glares._

Chandler: I guess we'll see you guys later.

Monica: No consorting with the enemy!

_Monica drags Chandler to the door. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is walking around, talking on the phone._

Rachel: No, I don't care how long it'll take! I want one made for her!

_A pause._

Rachel: Well, so what? If it gives my daughter an edge, I want it made! And I want it done now!

_A pause._

Rachel: I don't care about the cost! Price means nothing to me!

_Enter Ross and Emma. Rachel hunches into the phone._

Rachel: We'll talk later. Bye, Mom.

_Rachel hangs up, and smiles at Ross._

Rachel: Hi, sweetie.

_Rachel kisses Ross._

Ross: Hi, baby.

Rachel: How was the park?

Ross: It was fine. Emma enjoyed herself.

Rachel: I'm glad.

_Rachel picks up Emma._

Rachel: And how's my little princess?

_Ross glares at Rachel._

Rachel: What?

Ross: What're you planning?

Rachel: Nothing! Why would you even think a thing like that?

Ross: Because you're acting serene, and calling our daughter "princess".

Rachel: So? Am I not allowed to call our daughter a pet name if I want?

_Ross glares._

Rachel: Fine, I got her an appointment at a spa.

Ross: Rachel!

Rachel: Don't you start with me, Geller! I REFUSE to lose to your sister!

Ross: How much is this spa treatment gonna cost?

Rachel: Well…you weren't really planning to send Emma off to college, were you?

_Ross groans. Enter Annette._

Annette: Do you have something blunt and heavy I can hit Joey with?

Ross: How about Rachel's thick skull?

_Rachel glares at Ross._

Rachel: Why do you wanna hit him, anyway?

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Joop boop plop de flem!

_Ross and Rachel stare at Joey._

Joey: Joo beh floo?

Ross: Joey, what the hell was that?

Joey: It's French. Don't tell me you don't recognize French?

Annette: He's been doing that ever since I got home! He won't stop!

Joey: I need the practice!

Annette: Joey, you are NOT SPEAKING FRENCH!

Joey: Yes, I am! The guy on the tape said so! Besides, you wouldn't know French if it bit you in your butt!

Rachel: Hard to miss THAT target...

Annette: Shut up, bra stuffer!

Ross: Look, how about this? I'll take Joey to practice French, so you don't murder him. And you can help Rachel with this pageant thing, so the big vein in my head won't pop.

Rachel: Yeah, except you don't speak French.

Ross: I'll get Phoebe to help me. Are we all good on this?

Annette: Well, I don't-

Ross: Good, glad we agree. Joey, come on.

Joey: Joo beh ploo.

_Ross drags Joey out the door. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is standing in the living room. Ross is lying face down on the couch. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey, Pheebs.

_Ross groans._

Phoebe: I got your TXT, Ross. What's up?

Ross (into pillow): Joey. French. Kill me. Now.

Phoebe: You were trying to teach Joey French?

Ross (into pillow): Yes.

Phoebe: So why am I here?

Ross (into pillow): Joey?

Joey: Bloom floo de plah!

Phoebe: Joey, that, um, that is still NOT FRENCH!

Ross (into pillow): That's been going on for 2 hours.

Phoebe: So why did you call me over?

Ross: Because I'm about to hang myself by my own intestines. I played the tape, I wrote the words on a chalkboard, I even got French for Dummies for him to read, and that was the end result.

Joey: What? It's French!

Phoebe: No, Joey. That's a bunch of nonsense that is going to make me hurt you.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Last time we were doing this, you didn't threaten to hurt me.

Phoebe: Yeah, but this time, I'm pregnant and horny, and Mike is away doing a gig. So instead, I'm just gonna go Lorena Bobbitt on any guy who annoys me.

_Joey and Ross step back._

Ross: Uh, Joey? How bad do you want that role?

Joey: Why?

Ross: You want it bad enough to cross a pregnant Phoebe?

Joey: No way!

Ross: Good, glad we got that settled. I'm gonna go check on Emma and Rachel.

_Ross begins running toward the door._

Phoebe: Freeze, mister!

_Ross stops by the door._

Phoebe: You called me over here to teach Joey how to speak French, so I am gonna teach Joey how to speak French! And you are gonna help me, or I swear to Lucifer, Rachel will never have kids with you again!

_A pause._

Ross: Where did I leave my chalkboard?

_Ross walks back into the living room. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is sitting in the living room, cooing to one of the twins._

Monica: Who's a pretty girl? Huh? Who's a pretty girl?

_Enter Chandler, holding the other twin._

Chandler: That would be Erica, the one I'm currently holding.

Monica: What?

_Monica opens the baby's diaper, and peeks._

Monica: Chandler!

_Chandler grins._

Monica: Why didn't you say something?

Chandler: Well, I would have, except I was having more fun watching you emasculate our son.

_Monica glares, and holds out her arms._

Monica: Give me Erica.

Chandler: Uh, no...

Monica: Why not?

Chandler: Because if I do, you're gonna try to turn her into one of those "Toddlers & Tiaras" kids.

Monica: Erica can beat her, and you know it!

Chandler: No, she can't! Our niece is a 1 year old, Monica. They do cute things.

Monica: We have babies! They do cute things, too!

Chandler: You're right. Spitting up and soiling diapers is now the height of cuteness.

_Monica glares._

Monica: Give her to me.

Chandler: No.

Monica: Gimme!

Chandler: No!

Monica: I'm her mother! Hand her over!

Chandler: No, crazy lady!

_Chandler runs out the door with Erica, Monica following. A pause. Enter Monica._

Monica: Come on, sweetie. Let's help Mommy beat on Daddy.

_Monica picks up Jack, and exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Annette and Ross are sitting on the couch, exhausted._

Annette: How'd it go with Joey?

Ross: Well, we got him to stop the gibberish, and he's actually pronouncing words.

Annette: That's great!

Ross: Not really.

Annette: Why not?

Ross: Because he's getting his words mixed up.

Annette: What do you mean?

Ross: You'll see. By the way, how'd it go with Rachel?

Annette: I'd rather rip my arm off and beat her with it, than help with that pageant stuff.

Ross: Why?

Annette: She was being as bad as Monica. I don't think it helped matters that Emma had taken her pants off and put them on her head. We spent hours chasing her down, trying to get her to stop doing that.

_Ross laughs. Enter Joey._

Annette: Hey, sweetie.

Joey: Je veux que tu shove escargots le long de mon pantalon.

_Annette starts laughing._

Joey: What?

Annette: You just told me you wanted me to shove snails down your pants.

Joey: Dammit!

Annette: What were you trying to say?

Joey: "I want a coffee and blueberry muffin."

Annette: Uh, honey? I'm not working.

Joey: Man, I can't catch a break!

_Joey walks to the counter. Ross leans toward Annette._

Ross (whispering): Did you tell him about Paul showing up yet?

Annette (whispering): No. Did you tell Rachel about Emily yet?

Ross (whispering): No. I don't know how to tell her without me getting hurt in the process.

_Enter Rachel, Phoebe, and Mike._

Rachel: Phoebe, there is no way you pulled it off! Joey can't be taught! You know that!

Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, I have news for you, Rachel Green! Thanks to your fiancée helping me, I managed to teach Joey French!

Rachel: You threatened to cut off parts of their anatomy!

Phoebe: Hey, you want a piece of Phoebe?

Mike: Easy, honey. Think of the baby.

Phoebe: You are SO lucky I'm pregnant!

Joey: I really can speak French, Rachel.

Rachel: Really. Say something to me in French.

Ross: Uh, honey...

Rachel: Bup bup bup bup bup bup! I wanna hear him say something.

Annette: Oh, this is gonna be good...

Joey: Votre fesses ressemble à une bulle géante.

_Annette and Phoebe start laughing._

Rachel: What? What did he say?

Annette: He just said your butt looks like a giant bubble.

_Rachel begins hitting Joey._

Joey: Ow ow ow!

Rachel: How dare you say that about my butt!

Joey: I was trying to show you that I can speak French!

Rachel: By calling my butt a giant bubble? You should've been calling Annette's butt that!

Annette: Hey!

_Enter Chandler and Monica._

Monica: Stop hiding Erica from me!

Chandler: Only when you drop this stupid pageant idea!

Monica: Never! I will prove my kids are more adorable than hers!

Chandler: I give up.

Monica: Good, now give me Erica.

Chandler: No!

Joey: Hey, guys.

Monica: Hey, Joey.

Joey: Vos poissons peuvent dormir avec ma chèvre soir.

_Annette and Phoebe begin laughing._

Joey: What did I say that time?

Annette (laughing): You just told her that her fish could sleep with your goat tonight.

Joey: Dammit!

Monica: Someone wanna fill us in?

Ross: Phoebe and I spent the day teaching Joey actual French. He's gotten the hang of the words, but he's having trouble getting sentences down.

Chandler: We noticed.

_Enter Paul._

Paul: Hello, love.

Annette: Hi, Paul.

_Mike glares at Paul._

Mike: What do you want? Did you come here to steal Annette away again?

Paul: No, actually, I-

Mike: Because she's dating Joey now! And she's happy here!

Paul: Actually, I want-

Mike: And you'll have to face all of us if you want her!

Paul: I'm not here for Annette, Mikey! I'm actually here to see Johnny.

Joey: It's "Joey". And what do you want?

Paul: I have something to ask of you. But I'm waiting for my fiancée to get here first.

_Enter Emily._

Emily: Hello, Ross.

Ross: Emily.

Rachel: You British hussy!

_Rachel stands in front of Ross._

Rachel: If you want him back, you're gonna have to go through me!

_Emily gives Rachel a quizzical look, and walks over to Paul._

Emily: Hi, sweetie.

Paul: Hello, love.

_Paul and Emily kiss._

Rachel: What in the name of all that's holy...?

Paul: Since you're all here, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.

Joey: Tell us what?

Paul: Emily and I are getting married...and we want your help.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

_Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is standing over one of the twins, slipping a pair of shoes on._

Monica: There you go, Erica. Oh, you look so pretty...

_Enter Chandler, holding the other twin._

Chandler: Honey, what're you doing?

Monica: I'm getting Erica dressed up, to see how she'll look in this dress for the pageant.

Chandler: Yeah, except there's one problem.

Monica: What?

Chandler: I'm holding Erica.

Monica: Chandler!

_Monica grabs the baby from Chandler, and leaves. Chandler walks over to the other baby._

Chandler: Okay, Erica, let's get you out of that outfit before Mommy catches on.

_Chandler begins taking Erica's shoes off._

**(A/N HOLY HANNAH! How WILL you all survive till 10 comes out? Keeps you on your toes, don't it?**

**And Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Kwanza, w/e you celebrate.)**


	10. The One With Paul And Emily's Wedding

_**Previously on Friends...**_

Emily: Hi, sweetie.

Paul: Hello, love.

_Paul and Emily kiss._

Rachel: What in the name of all that's holy...?

Paul: Since you're all here, I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you.

Joey: Tell us what?

Paul: Emily and I are getting married...and we want your help.

_Scene opens in Central Perk. The gang is staring at Paul and Emily in shock._

Rachel: Wait, lemme get this straight.

_Rachel points to Paul._

Rachel: You...

Paul: Yes.

_Rachel points to Emily._

Rachel: ...and you...

Emily: Yes.

Rachel: ...are getting married.

Paul and Emily: YES.

_A pause._

Joey: So you're not stealing Ross back?

_Everyone turns and stares at Joey._

Joey: What?

Monica: If you're really getting married, let's see your ring.

_Emily holds up her left hand. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe look, and then begin hitting Mike, Ross, and Chandler._

Chandler: Ow! What did we do?

Rachel: That rock is bigger than ours!

Ross: You have Nana's engagement ring!

Rachel: Oh, right.

_Rachel stops hitting Ross. Monica and Phoebe continue to hit Chandler and Mike._

Mike: Why are we still getting hit?

Phoebe: Because we're pregnant!

Monica: And that rock is still bigger than ours!

_Chandler and Mike run out the door, Monica and Phoebe behind them. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table, reading a magazine. A knock is heard._

Rachel: It's open, guys!

_Enter Emily._

Emily: Hi, Rachel. Is Ross here?

Rachel: No.

Emily: Good.

_Emily shuts the door._

Emily: I need to talk to you and Monica. I called and asked her to meet us over here.

Rachel: You WHAT?

Emily: Is that a problem?

Rachel: Yes! We have a competition going right now, and I can't have her over sabotaging it!

_Enter Monica._

Monica: I got your message, what's going-?

_Monica notices the magazine._

Monica: What's that?

Rachel: ...nothing.

Monica: What is that magazine?

Rachel: Nothing! Don't look at it!

_Monica leaps toward the table. Rachel grabs the magazine and hides it behind her back._

Monica: Give me the magazine!

Rachel: No!

Emily: Uh, guys…

Monica: Give it here, Green!

Rachel: No, Bing!

Emily: Guys…

Monica: I'll tell Ross about that summer you were parading around in a bikini just to tease him!

Rachel: Oh yeah? Well, I'll tell Chandler who "accidentally" lost his picture of Yasmine Bleeth he kept in the back of his refrigerator!

_Monica gasps._

Monica: You promised me that was a secret!

Rachel: Well, you promised me you weren't gonna ever tell Ross about that bikini!

_Monica grabs the magazine, and begins pulling_

Monica: Gimme that magazine!

_Rachel pulls back._

Rachel: No!

Monica: Give it here, Pinocchio!

Rachel: No, you cow!

_Emily whistles._

Emily: HEY! That is quite enough!

_Monica and Rachel stop hitting each other, and look at Emily._

Emily: Now, if you two are done acting like children, I need to talk to you.

Rachel: About what?

Emily: My wedding to Paul.

Monica: What about it?

Emily: Well…I would appreciate it, Rachel, if you would be my maid of honor.

Monica and Rachel: WHAT?

Emily: It would mean a lot to me.

Monica: Why didn't you ask me to be your maid of honor?

Emily: Because we want you to plan our wedding.

Monica: I don't know if I can. That's pretty expensive.

_Emily holds up a credit card._

Emily: This is Paul's platinum. There's no credit limit.

Rachel: You're turning her loose with a platinum card to SHOP?

Emily: Pretty much.

_Rachel looks at Monica._

Rachel: Don't make me beg.

Monica: To the stores! We have shopping to do!

_Rachel and Monica run out the door. __Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross, Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Annette and Joey are sharing the armchair. Chandler and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Phoebe is sitting in Mike's lap. Ross is reading a magazine._

Ross: Hey, here's an interesting article. It seems in some primitive tribes, men propose to women with a hand-polished ball made out of red clay and dung.

_Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Annette stare at Ross._

Ross: What?

Monica: I'm sure that's fascinating to read, but in our culture, we prefer DIAMONDS.

Chandler: You have one.

Monica: And the next one you give me had BETTER be bigger, mister.

Phoebe: The same goes for you.

_A pause. Monica and Phoebe look at Rachel._

Rachel: What?

Monica: Aren't you gonna threaten Ross?

Rachel: No. He gave me his Nana's ring.

Monica: Which has a smaller rock than Emily's ring!

Ross: It's still bigger than the one I proposed to Emily with.

Phoebe: Loosen the purse strings, Ross.

Joey: Hey Ross, did that article say how to make those balls?

_Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Annette glare at Joey._

Joey: What?

Annette: If anyone proposes to me like that, they'll find his body next to Jimmy Hoffa's.

Joey: Hey, you're the one who told me to get a hobby!

Annette: Making a dung ball is not a hobby!

_Joey opens his mouth._

Annette: And you're still not building a TARDIS in the apartment!

Joey: Dammit! What if I got rid of the air hockey table?

Monica: Joey, you can't get rid of the air hockey table! You've had a table in there since you and Chandler had that foosball table.

Joey: I know, but I was thinking we could use the space for a-

Annette: No! No TARDISes, period!

Joey: I was gonna say a pool table.

Chandler: Hey, yeah! That'd be a great idea!

Annette: If you want THAT, just have Rachel lie down on the floor, and you can play off of her chest. God knows it's flat enough.

_Rachel glares at Annette._

Rachel: Annette, would you mind getting me a refill? Monica and I have to discuss shopping plans.

Annette: Okay...

_Annette takes Rachel's coffee cup, and begins walking toward the counter._

Rachel: I'm suddenly in the mood for Jell-O...

_Annette glares at Rachel. Enter Paul and Emily._

Emily: Hi, everyone.

_Greetings float back. Emily turns to Monica._

Emily: How are the wedding plans coming along?

_Monica reaches behind a pillow, and pulls out a binder._

Monica: I have everything already planned, color-coordinated, and scheduled.

Emily: Really?

Monica: Yep. And 9:27, we have everyone gather for pre-ceremony pictures. 10:52, we have everyone in positions. At 11:31, Emily will start making her way down the aisle. By 12:45, you two will have said your "I Do"s, and at 1:13, we'll have the reception.

Paul: Uh...how long would it take to get all that in effect?

Monica: Six months, if we rehearse daily.

Paul: Yeah, I'm gonna go with no on the schedule. Love the rest of it, though.

_Paul looks at Emily._

Paul: I'm gonna get us a coffee, hon.

Emily: Okay.

_Paul kisses Emily's cheek and walks to the counter._

Monica: What's wrong with the schedule? We have a schedule!

Emily: Well, six months rehearsal is a little too long. We wanna be married a little sooner.

Monica: But...schedule...

Emily: Is she all right?

Rachel: She'll be fine. How much sooner?

Emily: Six weeks.

Monica: WHAT? Why so soon?

Emily: We...kinda have someone coming soon.

_Emily moves a hand over her stomach._

Phoebe: YOU'RE PREGNANT?

Emily: Not so loud!

Phoebe (whispering): YOU'RE PREGNANT?

Emily: Yes. I'm six weeks along, and we want the wedding done as soon as possible.

Chandler: Why?

Emily: Well, for one thing, I wanna be able to FIT into my wedding dress.

Chandler: Inhale.

_Emily glares at Chandler. A shriek is heard._

Mike: What happened?

Annette: Paul and his Roman hand goosing me is what happened!

Emily: Paul!

Paul: It was an accident!

Annette: Oh, and I suppose your Russian fingers were just an accident, too?

Joey: Geez, Paul, how many nationalities do you have?

_Everyone stares at Joey._

Joey: What?

Emily: Is someone going to correct him?

Chandler: Give him a minute.

_A pause. Joey suddenly gasps and points at Paul._

Joey: You touched my girlfriend's butt!

Paul: I swear to God, it was an accident! She was leaning over the counter for something. I reached past her for some sugar, and my hand accidentally…hit her butt.

Annette: Oh, I'm SURE it was an accident!

Paul: It was! Your butt was sticking out!

Rachel: Hard to miss THAT target…

Annette: Shut up, bra stuffer!

_Monica hands out sheets to the gang._

Monica: Okay, so everyone has their assignment. Let's go, people, we have work to do!

_Monica runs out the door. Paul turns to Ross and Chandler._

Paul: How much caffeine did she have today?

Chandler: Sadly, none.

Paul: Then is that normal?

Ross, Chandler, and Rachel: YES.

_Scene ends and opens in the sanctuary of a chapel. Chandler and Monica are standing by the doors, dressed for a wedding. Monica is looking at a clipboard._

Chandler: Man, how did Paul get all this in two weeks?

Monica: Money talks.

Chandler: Guess that explains the fittings being done so fast.

Monica: LOTS of money talks.

Chandler: Really? I wonder what it says.

Monica: It says "Chandler, stop asking your wife so many stupid questions and go do something useful."

Chandler: Like what?

Monica: You can go set up the reception area, for one thing.

_A pause._

Chandler: I think I'll go check on Paul.

Monica: That's not being useful.

Chandler: It gets me out of the way.

Monica: THAT'S being useful.

_Enter Annette._

Annette: Monica, we have a problem.

Monica: Are the caterers late?

Annette: No.

Monica: Are the flowers wilting?

Annette: No.

Monica: Is Emily throwing up again?

Annette: Yes.

Monica: Then what's the problem?

Annette: The priest got into the Sacramental Wine, and now…

Monica: Oh, please don't tell me!

Annette: He's passed out drunk in the wine cellar.

Monica: Dammit! Where are we gonna get another priest on such short notice?

Chandler: Well, we could get Joey to do it.

Monica: He's supposed to be Paul's ring bearer! I have him assigned to that role!

Chandler: Adapt.

Monica: No! We have a plan! We must not alter the plan!

Annette: Why?

Monica: Because we have a plan!

Annette: So?

Monica: No more questions!

Chandler: Well, it's either we wait for this one to sober up, or we ask Joey to do it.

_Monica groans._

Monica: Fine, go ask Joey to do it. And you're taking over ring bearer duties!

Chandler: Hmmm…escort my brother-in-law's ex-wife down the aisle, or hand over rings.

Annette: At least you don't have to listen to Emily throw up every 5 minutes!

Chandler: No, I get to deal with Monica.

_A pause._

Annette: You win.

Monica: Chandler, go!

Chandler: I'm going!

_Chandler leaves. Scene changes to the groom's room. Paul is standing in front of a full-length mirror, struggling with a bow tie. Ross and Mike are standing nearby. Joey is sitting on a box, eating a sandwich._

Paul: You know, you'd think with all the black tie parties I've been to in my 30 years, I'd have learned to tie one of these things by now…

Ross: What do you normally wear?

Paul: The clip-ons, or the ones with the strap. How did you guys manage to get yours tied?

Mike: We didn't.

Paul: Then how...?

Mike: Clip-on.

Ross: Strap.

Joey (mouth full): Shtap.

_Paul glares._

Paul: I hate you all so much...

Mike: Why didn't you just get a clip-on or strap with yours?

Paul: Because it's our wedding day. I was hoping to make it special.

Ross: How? By spending 2 hours trying to tie a bow tie?

Paul: Well, contrary to what the 11th Doctor says, bow ties are NOT cool.

Joey: Hey!

_Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hey, guys? We got a problem.

Ross: Joey didn't spill on his tux, did he?

Joey: Come on, Ross! What kind of person do you take me for?

Ross: The kind that's gonna spill food on a rental, and ruin any chance to get the deposit back.

Paul: Actually, Jimmy's is a bought one.

Mike: How did you-?

Paul: Emily warned me.

Joey: Well, how did she know? And it's Joey, for like, the hundredth time.

Ross: I told her about it.

Joey: Why would you tell her a thing like that?

Ross: Hey, she WAS my wife. And you're not exactly known for clean eating.

Mike: Okay, before those two get into it, what's the problem?

Chandler: Well, you remember those "a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar" jokes we were making all last week?

Ross: What about them?

Chandler: This one is no joke.

Paul: Oh, please don't tell me...

Chandler: The priest is passed out drunk, and they can't send anyone else over until tomorrow.

Paul: Dammit! This wedding is ruined!

Ross: Welcome to the club, Paul.

Chandler: Not necessarily. There IS one person who could marry you two today...

Paul: Who?

_Ross, Mike, and Chandler stare at Joey._

Joey: OH, no! No way!

Ross: Joey, you're an ordained minister. You have the authority to marry these two.

Joey: So? He tried to buy off Annette last time I saw him! Besides, how do we know he isn't doing it to protect his inheritance? I'm not gonna marry someone just so they can save their money.

_Joey begins walking toward the door._

Paul: Joey, wait.

_Ross, Joey, Chandler, and Mike stare at Paul in shock._

Paul: I know I did you wrong in the past, but I am asking for your help today. I love Emily, and I want us to be married when our baby arrives. Please, help me marry her.

_A pause._

Paul: Please don't make me beg...

Mike: Joey?

Joey: I'm gonna need a frock.

Ross: On the plus side, you can use Joey's strap instead of fighting with that bow tie.

_Paul glares at Ross. Scene ends and opens in the sanctuary. Paul and Emily are standing at the altar. Mike is sitting at the organ, playing the end of the Wedding March. Joey is standing before them, dressed in a frock._

Joey: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

_Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Annette is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe and Mike are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Enter Monica and Chandler. _

Monica: Hey guys, we just got an e-mail from Paul and Emily! They said thank you for the wedding help, and sent a deposit of $1,000 to all of us for our help.

Rachel: Great! There was this little tiara I saw on sale, that'd look good on Emma for the pageant...

_Monica and Rachel glare at each other._

Monica: It's mine, Green!

Rachel: Not if I get it first, Bing!

_Monica and Rachel run out the door._

**(A/N I'm sorry this was so late, but I'm getting into the swing of my HW assignments for class. Also had a lot of personal issues come up. I was gonna do an entire episode for Paul & Emily's wedding, but I kinda lost steam over it. I'm starting work immediately on 11, so HOPEFULLY it won't take quite as long. HOPEFULLY. And Happy Valentine's Day to people who have someone to celebrate with.)**


	11. The One With Joey's Blog

_Scene opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Enter Annette._

Annette: Joey, I'm home!

_Enter Joey from his room, dressed as a Blue Ranger._

Joey: It's morphin' time!

_Annette shrieks._

Joey: Oh, sorry. I thought you were Chandler.

Annette: DO I LOOK LIKE CHANDLER?

Joey: Well, that picture of you with short hair in junior high kind of made you look like him.

_Annette gasps._

Annette: Who showed you that?

Joey: Mike.

Annette: I'll kill him! He swore that picture would never see the light of day! While I'm off murdering my cousin, where are you two going?

Joey: We're gonna get Ross and go play Power Rangers in the park.

Annette: What? No, you're not! Rachel won't let him go.

Joey: Yeah, she will. She and Alex are going with us.

Annette: No, she isn't! Rachel has more class than to go around dressed up as-

_Enter Rachel, dressed as the Pink Ranger._

Rachel: Hey, Joey, Ross wants to know if you've finished the helmets yet.

Joey: Just about. Paint has to dry.

Rachel: Okay.

_Rachel leaves. Annette looks at Joey._

Annette: So, uh, anyone call dibs on the Green Ranger yet?

_Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica, with a shopping bag._

Monica: Phoebe! Listen, this is yours!

Phoebe: Huh?

_Monica sets the bag down next to Phoebe._

Monica: If Rachel asks, this bag is yours!

Phoebe: Oh, cool! I always wanted a bag for my closet. I have this space in there that was getting lonely...what's in it?

_Enter the gang dressed in their Power Ranger costumes._

Monica: Tell you later!

Annette: That is the LAST time I'm going to play with you!

Ross: I was teaching!

Rachel: Teaching what? How to ruin their fantasies?

Monica: How was the park?

Chandler: Oh, it was great. We had a lot of kids gather around, we were signing autographs for them, and things were going swimmingly, until Ross started in on one of his dino lectures...

Ross: Hey, there is nothing wrong with explaining to them that the mastodon and saber-tooth tiger didn't exist until the Ice Age, well after the era of the dinosaurs!

Annette: They were KIDS, Ross! The only thing they cared about was that the Power Rangers were there!

Gunther: So you guys had fun?

Alex: Oh, yeah! It was a blast!

_Alex leans toward Gunther._

Alex (whispering): Save me from these people.

Gunther: No way. It was you or me, and I have to work.

_Alex glares at Gunther._

Alex: Remember this tonight, when you try to get lucky.

Annette: EW!

Alex: What?

Annette: I don't wanna think about my best friend and my boss having sex, thank you!

Alex: Like it's any better seeing the blogs Joey posts every time you two have sex?

Annette: WHAT?

Joey: Uh...geez, look at the time! I gotta go!

_Joey runs out the door, Annette behind him._

Annette: GET BACK HERE, SO I CAN HURT YOU!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

_Ross kisses Rachel._

Rachel: How was work?

Ross: It was all right. But I think Prank Week started up for the fraternities…

Rachel: Why do you say that?

Ross: Well, for one thing, my office was filled with helium when I walked in. I kept sounding like Mickey Mouse when I was doing my lectures today.

_Rachel begins laughing._

Ross: It's not funny! Do you know how hard it is to give a lecture on the theoretical migration patterns of the Brachiosaurus when you sound like something that escaped from a Disney cartoon?

Rachel: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't laugh, I promise.

_Ross glares at Rachel, and turns to set his briefcase on the counter._

Rachel (high, squeaky voice): Today, we're gonna talk about the migrating habits of the Brachiosaurus. Everyone, open your books to page 394…

_Ross grabs Rachel and begins tickling her. Rachel squeals._

Rachel (laughing): Ross! Stop it!

Ross: Sorry, I can't understand your squeaks. You'll have to speak up.

_Ross continues to tickle Rachel. Rachel turns around and kisses Ross passionately._

Ross: Where's Emma?

Rachel: Taking a nap.

Ross: How much time do we have?

Rachel: Plenty, if we hurry.

_Ross and Rachel begin running toward their room._

Emma: Mama!

_Ross groans and hangs his head._

Ross: It's like she has Joey's timing, I swear.

Rachel: And Monica's volume.

_Rachel walks into Emma's room. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica._

Monica: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Do you have the dress I gave you?

Phoebe: Yep! Here you go.

_Phoebe hands Monica a dress._

Monica: Uh, Phoebe, where's the bag?

Phoebe: Huh?

Monica: The bag it came in. Where is it?

Phoebe: Oh, I kept it.

Monica: What? Why?

Phoebe: Because you said I could have it!

Monica: No, I didn't!

Phoebe: Yeah huh! You said, "If Rachel asks, this bag is yours." Remember?

Monica: I meant the contents, not the bag itself! Now give it here.

Phoebe: Um, no….

Monica: Give it to me!

Phoebe: No! It's mine!

Monica: I can't take this dress home as it is! It'll be ruined! Why do you even NEED the bag?

Phoebe: Because it has these neat little circles and spirals! It fits well into that empty space in my closet!

Monica: I DOODLED on it!

Phoebe: Why would you do that?

Monica: I was bored on the bus!

_Enter Rachel._

Monica: Give me the bag, Phoebe! I can't let Rachel see this!

Rachel: Let Rachel see what?

Monica: …this dress that I got for my co-worker!

_Rachel stares at Monica._

Monica: What?

Rachel: YOU got someone a dress?

Monica: I can be nice! Besides, her daughter's birthday is coming up. Right, Phoebe?

Phoebe: It is? Merciful Zeus, I gotta get her a present!

_Phoebe runs out the door. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Joey is typing on his laptop._

Joey: And…done. Hey Chandler, check out this blog entry I just wrote.

Chandler: Joey, I lived with you for five years. I've heard every fantasy about Yasmine Bleeth you have.

Joey: So you don't wanna read this?

Chandler: Are you kidding? Move over!

_Chandler jumps onto the couch next to Joey._

Chandler: Uh, Joey…this doesn't sound like Yasmine Bleeth.

Joey: What do you mean? Of course it is!

Chandler: Since when does Yasmine Bleeth have red hair, and work at a coffee shop?

Joey: Uh…since after her Baywatch days?

Chandler: So basically, you're using Yasmine Bleeth to cover the fact that you're writing about Annette. What kind of flowers do you want at the funeral?

Joey: What are you talking about?

Chandler: Oh, the funeral we'll be having after Annette KILLS you.

Joey: She's not gonna kill me! Why would she kill me?

Chandler: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you're blogging about your sex life with HER.

Joey: I am not! I never mentioned her once.

Chandler: You mentioned Central Perk three times! And…a couch?

_A pause._

Chandler: Oh! Oh, God! You don't mean…?

Joey: Yeah, I meant to tell you: you're kinda sitting where we-

_Chandler jumps up._

Chandler: No no! No no no no no no! Why didn't you use the closet?

Joey: Because we did it five times in the closet already!

_Chandler cringes. Enter Annette._

Annette: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

_Annette kisses Joey, and sits down next to him._

Annette: Whatcha working on?

Joey: Nothing.

_Joey hastily closes the computer. Annette glares at Joey._

Joey: What?

Annette: What are you hiding?

Joey: Nothing.

Annette: Then show me the screen.

Joey: No! Don't look!

Annette: Give me the computer!

_Joey hands the computer to Chandler. Chandler begins to run for the door._

Annette: Get back here!

_Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey, guys. What's goi-?

Annette: Give me that computer!

Chandler: No, crazy lady!

_Mike starts to sit down on the couch._

Chandler: Don't sit there!

Mike: Why not?

Chandler: Because. Because…because it's hot lava!

_Joey jumps up off of the couch._

Joey: It is?

Chandler: No, freak show! It's a COUCH!

Mike: So…why don't you want me to sit on it?

Chandler: Something very bad happened on that couch.

_Annette gasps and hits Joey._

Joey: Ow!

Annette: You TOLD him?

Chandler: No, he blogged it.

Annette: YOU BLOGGED THAT TO THE INTERNET?

Joey: Well, he…I…

Annette: Hey, everyone?

_Heads turn to Annette._

Annette: How many of you here read Joey Tribbiani's blog?

_Numerous hands rise up. _

Annette: I'm Yasmine Bleeth.

_Annette turns to Joey._

Annette: Enjoy your fame, superstar.

_Annette stomps to the door. Applause is heard._

Annette: Oh, shut up!

_Annette leaves._

Mike: I don't know what just happened here…

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. How was work?

Ross: It was fine. No one pranked me today.

_Ross turns to the counter, revealing paint stripes down the back of his pants. Rachel begins giggling._

Ross: What?

Rachel: Are you, um…are you sure you didn't get pranked today?

Ross: Yeah. Why?

Rachel: Go look in the mirror, honey.

_Ross exits to the bathroom. Enter Ross a moment later, fuming._

Ross: Dammit, this was my best pair of pants!

Rachel: Don't worry; I'll get you a new pair tomorrow.

Ross: Thanks.

Rachel: Provided I can find a pair with paint stripes on the back…

Ross: Oh, very funny!

_Ross begins tickling Rachel. Rachel laughs._

Rachel (laughing): Ross! Quit it!

Ross: Say dinosaurs are cool!

Rachel: No!

_Ross continues to tickle Rachel. Rachel turns around and kisses Ross passionately. Ross breaks away._

Rachel: What?

Ross: Where's Emma?

Rachel: With your mom and dad.

Ross: Okay, good.

Rachel: Why?

Ross: I was afraid we were gonna get interrupted again.

Rachel: Nope, no one here but us.

_Ross kisses Rachel. Enter Annette._

Annette: The NERVE of that guy!

Ross: Man, I cannot catch a BREAK here!

Rachel: Sorry, honey. (to Annette) What happened?

Annette: My stupid boyfriend blogged to the entire Internet about our sex life, that's what happened!

_Annette sits down on the couch in a huff._

Ross: Won't you come in?

_Annette glares at Ross._

Rachel: Honey, I know you're frustrated, but let me deal with this first.

Ross: Fine. I'm gonna go talk to Joey.

Annette: Yeah, go get details from him. You men are all the same.

Ross: Or, you know, staying here is good, too.

Annette: I'm sorry, Ross. It's just…I can't believe he'd do something like this.

Ross: I don't think he meant to embarrass, or hurt you with this blog. If anything, I think he's proud of his relationship with you, and wanted to show that to everyone. He just went at it the wrong way.

Annette: How do you know?

Rachel: Okay, Annette? We've known you for 2 years now. We've known Joey for 12. You're the first committed relationship he's ever been in in all the time we've known him. Sure, he's dated quite a few people, but you're the first one he's ever been serious about.

Annette: What about you?

Rachel: The first one he's ever been serious about.

_Scene changes to the hallway. Joey is standing by the door, listening in._

Ross: Don't you think you may have overreacted a little?

Annette: Maybe, but it was EMBARRASSING. Sure, the tips were good, but I just want him to take it down. I don't need THAT kind of reputation.

_Scene changes to the hallway. Joey steps away and enters apartment 19. Scene changes back to Ross and Rachel's apartment._

Annette: I also don't want people thinking my boyfriend and I are like you two.

Rachel: Hey! What's that supposed to mean?

Annette: Oh, come off it. You two are worse than a pair of rabbits. I heard you guys going at it in the closet last Tuesday.

Ross: Uh…we weren't at the coffee shop last Tuesday.

Annette: You weren't?

Ross: No. I had an evening class, and Rachel was watching Emma. But Mike and Phoebe were visiting while you were working.

_Annette shrieks and begins smacking her forehead._

Annette: AUGH! I don't need that mental image, thank you!

Ross: Sorry.

Rachel: Listen, you wanna get Joey back for the blog thing?

Annette: Do you even have to ask?

Rachel: Okay, here's my idea.

_Rachel leans over and begins whispering in Annette's ear. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica is sitting on the couch. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: You bitch!

Monica: Excuse me?

Phoebe: No one at your work has a daughter whose birthday is coming up! You lied to me!

Monica: And you kept my bag! Give it back!

Phoebe: No! It's mine!

_Monica and Phoebe begin slapping each other. Enter Chandler and Mike._

Monica: It's mine! Give it back!

Phoebe: No! You gave it to me!

Chandler: I gave up courtside seats for THIS?

Mike: I gave up having to listen to Ross lecture to see my wife fighting with yours.

Chandler: Lucky bastard…

Monica: Chandler, tell her that bag is mine and she should give it back!

Phoebe: Mike, tell her that she's being selfish and that bag is mine because she gave it to me!

Chandler: Which is worse: this, or listening to Ross lecture?

_A pause._

Chandler and Mike: Ross.

Monica: Well?

Mike: Ladies, we have here, the bag in question.

_Mike pulls the bag out from behind his back._

Phoebe: What're you doing with it?

Chandler: We are going to settle this like they did in biblical times.

Monica: You're gonna feed it to a lion in the middle of a coliseum full of people?

Mike: What? No! Where the hell did you get THAT idea at?

Monica: …nowhere.

Chandler: You were watching _Ben-Hur_ again last night, weren't you?

Monica: Hey, Charlton Heston has a sexy chest! I'd leave you in 2 seconds for him!

Chandler: He's DEAD.

Monica: Okay, I'd leave you in 2 seconds for his YOUNGER self.

Chandler: What, are you gonna ride beside him on a horse, as he waves a rifle screaming about "damn dirty apes!"?

Phoebe: Okay, before you Bings start arguing about which Heston is hotter, since we all know the OLDER one is, what do you plan to do to the bag?

Chandler: Hey, Gunther. You got a pair of scissors back there?

Gunther: Why, you planning to cut something?

Chandler: No, I thought I'd go jogging with the pointy end up to see how many times I could stab myself.

Gunther: I think I have a pair of blunt edge ones I keep back here for when Joey needs a pair…

Chandler: Just give me the scissors!

_Gunther hands Chandler a pair of scissors. Chandler walks back toward Mike, grumbling._

Chandler: Compare me to Joey…

Monica: What are you doing with those?

Mike: WE are going to split this bag down the middle, so you both can have half.

Monica: What? Why?

Chandler: Because Mike and I are tired of listening to you two call each other names at home!

Phoebe: You were calling me names?

Monica: You were being mean?

_Monica and Phoebe begin slapping each other._

Chandler: Hey!

_Monica and Phoebe turn to Chandler._

Chandler: If I wanted to see girls fighting, I would've gone over to Joey's place.

Mike: Let's just Solomon this thing.

_Chandler begins cutting the bag._

Monica: No, stop!

_Monica turns to Phoebe._

Monica: Phoebe, I'm sorry I called you names. You can have the bag.

Phoebe: Thanks, Monica. And I'm sorry for being mean.

_Monica and Phoebe hug. Chandler leans toward Mike._

Chandler: That was totally arousing.

Mike: We should've thrown Jell-O on them.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Joey is sitting in his chair, typing on the computer. Enter Annette._

Annette: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Annette: What're you doing?

Joey: Taking down the last blog entry.

Annette: Why?

Joey: I, uh…kind of overheard you talking to Ross and Rachel.

Annette: Joey…

Joey: I'm sorry about embarrassing you, Annette. It's just…I've never been with someone like you, before. I'm sort of feeling my way along, trying to figure out what's right and what's not.

Annette: I know. And I did overreact a little. I'll admit, the tips from the customers were pretty good. But honey, you just need to realize: I'm trying to move away from that kind of life. I don't mind you being happy about being with me, but I DO mind when you share our sex life on the Internet with people. Or worse, Chandler.

Joey: Okay. I won't do that again. So are we good?

Annette: Yeah, we're good.

_Joey and Annette hug._

Joey: I'm gonna go take a shower.

Annette: Yeah, you smell like you need one.

_Joey bumps his fists together. Annette giggles._

Annette: I'm going out with Rachel. We're gonna go see a movie.

Joey: Okay.

_Joey exits to the bathroom. A few minutes later, water is heard running, as Joey starts singing. Annette leaves to the hallway, and knocks on the door to apartment 20. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: We all set?

Annette: Yeah, he's in the shower. Where's Ross?

Rachel: Shower. Come on.

_Rachel and Annette leave down the stairs. Scene changes to the exterior of the apartment complex. Numerous yells are heard. Scene changes to the hallway outside apartment 1. Enter Rachel and Annette._

Annette: And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how it's done.

Rachel: You think Ross and Joey will be pissed we shut off the hot water?

Annette: Who cares? They're men. This is Girl's Night Out.

_Annette blows on the wrench in her hand, as Rachel laughs. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table, reading a magazine. Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey. How was class today?

Ross: A lot better today. Prank Week is finally over. At the SCHOOL, anyway…

_Rachel laughs._

Rachel: I'm sorry. But you gotta admit, that WAS rather funny.

Ross: Yeah. SO funny, I ran out in a towel to see how many other people were laughing.

Rachel: And you looked sexy, too.

Ross: Really?

Rachel: Mm hm.

_Rachel wraps her arms around Ross's neck and begins to kiss him._

Ross: Where's Emma?

Rachel: With Mom.

Ross: Front door?

Rachel: Locked.

Ross: I have to be at the museum in forty-five minutes.

Rachel: Forty-five? There's time.

_Ross and Rachel run into their room, and slam the door._


	12. The One With Doctor Green

_Scene opens in Joey and Annette's bedroom. Annette is asleep in Joey's bed._

Man (singing): Morning's here! The morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here!

_Annette rolls over, and sees Joey leaning out the window._

Joey and man (singing): Hey, get into gear. Breakfast is near. The dark of night has disappeared!

_Annette groans, and covers her head with a pillow._

Annette (muffled): Sleeping person here!

Joey: Oh, you're up. Hey, what's for breakfast?

_Annette hits Joey with her pillow. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing at the counter, fixing breakfast. Emma is sitting in her high chair, eating cereal. Enter Rachel._

Ross: Hi, sweetie.

Rachel: Coffee.

_Ross hands Rachel a cup of coffee. Rachel leans against the counter, sipping._

Ross: So listen, I have a lecture this afternoon on the diet of the Tyrannosaurus. Which is interesting, because the carnivores of the period-

_Rachel raises her hand._

Rachel: Ross, what's the rule?

Ross: No dino talk until after 3 cups of coffee.

Rachel: And how many has this been?

Ross: …your first.

Rachel: So…?

Ross: I'll shut up now.

Rachel: Good answer.

_Enter Annette._

Annette: Out of coffee, need coffee…

Ross: And good morning to you too, sunshine.

Annette: Coffee.

Ross: You know, you DO work in a coffee house-

Annette: Coffee.

Ross: I don't have a lot of-

Annette: COFFEE!

_Ross hands Annette a cup of coffee. _

Rachel: What is that NOISE?

_Annette opens the door. Joey is heard singing "Morning's here!". Annette slams the door._

Annette: Does THAT answer it for you?

Ross: Pretty loud singing for someone in the kitchen.

Annette: That was from the BATHROOM. He's in the shower.

_Rachel sets down her coffee, and exits. A few minutes later, Joey is heard screaming. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: There, he won't be singing anymore.

Annette: What'd you do?

Rachel: Flushed the toilet.

_Annette nods in approval. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Joey, and Annette are sitting on the couch. Ross and Rachel are sharing the chair. Chandler is sitting in the chair at the end table._

Monica: So I'm having my ultrasound done today. Who wants to go?

Chandler: Oh gee, I'd love to go with you, but I have an important assignment for work I need to get done-

Monica: Great. So who else besides Chandler wants to go?

Chandler: Hi. Hello. Chandler.

Joey: Dude, what're you doing?

Chandler: Oh good, so you CAN hear me. Which means my wife is deaf.

Joey: Really?

_Joey knocks over a coffee cup, spilling its contents. Monica glares at Joey._

Joey: What?

Monica: Why did you spill that drink?

Joey: Chandler said you were deaf. Deaf people can't see, right?

Chandler: I don't think the English language has a word to describe the level of stupid you just reached with that comment.

Rachel: Honey, that's blind people you're thinking of. Deaf people can't HEAR.

Joey: Monica can't be here?

_Joey turns to Monica and pats her thigh._

Joey: Don't worry; I'll bring some of their coffee to your house next time I'm over.

_Chandler rubs his temples._

Chandler: Oh god…I actually felt my IQ drop…

Monica: You're going, so suck it up.

_Monica turns to Rachel._

Monica: Rachel, do you wanna go? Moral support?

Rachel: I can't. We have to go out to Long Island and talk to Daddy this afternoon about the wedding.

_Monica looks at Ross._

Monica: Are you gonna be okay with seeing him?

Ross: I'd rather teach Joey French again…

Joey: Joo beh plem.

Ross: …but I'll manage.

Annette: What's the problem?

Rachel: Daddy has…opinions when it comes to Ross.

Joey: That means he doesn't like him.

Annette: THANK you, Dr. Obvious. I got that.

Chandler: Hey. I do the sarcasm in this gang, thank you.

Annette: So where were you on that one?

Chandler: …daydreaming about not going to the doctor's office.

Monica: YOU knocked me up, you're going!

Chandler: Fine.

_Joey pulls out his phone and presses a button. A whip crack is heard. Chandler glares at Joey._

Chandler: Not funny.

Joey: Just saying.

Annette: Honey, will you get me another coffee?

Joey: Sure.

_Joey walks toward the counter. A whip crack is heard. Joey turns around to see Annette holding his phone._

Annette: Just saying.

_Joey bumps his fists together. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in the chair, reading a book. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey.

Annette: Hey.

Joey: What're you reading?

Annette: _A Tale of Two Cities_ by Charles Dickens.

Joey: Is it any good?

Annette: Yeah, but you wouldn't like it.

Joey: What? Why not?

Annette: Because it has big words and no pictures.

_Joey glares at Annette. Annette giggles._

Joey: Are you gonna be making fun of me for the rest of the day?

Annette: No, of course not!

Joey: Good.

Annette: I'm gonna be making fun of you for the next TWO days.

_Joey grabs Annette's chair and begins to spin it around. Annette squeals._

Annette: Joey, stop! You're making me dizzy!

Joey: Say you'll stop making fun of me!

Annette: Okay, okay! I won't make fun of you!

_Joey stops spinning the chair. Annette stands up._

Annette: If I throw up, I'm doing it on your chair.

Joey: Don't you dare throw up on Rosita!

Annette: You SERIOUSLY named the chair Rosita?

Joey: Are we gonna have a problem here?

Annette: Nooooo. I'm just gonna throw up on the bed.

_Annette walks into Joey's room._

Joey: Don't you throw up on Ted!

Annette (from bedroom): Stop naming everything!

_A knock is heard. Joey opens the door. Enter Mr. Tribbiani._

Joey: Dad?

Mr. Tribbiani: Junior!

Joey: Dad, not so loud!

_Enter Annette._

Annette: Junior?

Joey: Oh, God…

Mr. Tribbiani: So, uh, who's she?

Joey: Dad, this is my girlfriend and roommate, Annette. Annette, meet my dad.

Mr. Tribbiani: Joe Tribbiani.

Annette: Annette Peters.

Joey: So what are you doing here, anyway?

Mr. Tribbiani: Well, there's a work conference in town, and I thought I'd stop by and see my favorite boy.

Joey: Dad…

Mr. Tribbiani: Okay, fine. Your mother and I heard about your girlfriend, and I decided I had to see her for myself.

Joey: Where IS Mom, anyway?

Mr. Tribbiani: Shopping. She sends her love.

Annette: Great! Well, I'll go prep the spare bedroom for you two.

_Annette exits to her room. Mr. Tribbiani turns to Joey._

Mr. Tribbiani: Nice knockers.

Joey: I know, huh?

Annette (from bedroom): I heard that!

_Scene ends and opens in a waiting room. Monica is sitting in a chair, reading a magazine. Chandler is sitting next to her, fidgeting._

Monica: Chandler, sit still! You're making all these people nervous!

_Chandler looks at all the people reading, or watching TV._

Chandler: Oh, you're right! How shall I make it up to the masses who are complaining about my fidgeting?

_Monica glares at Chandler._

Monica: Okay, fine! You're making ME nervous, now knock it off!

Chandler: Why am I here, again?

Monica: I'm starting to ask myself the same thing.

_Enter Phoebe and Mike._

Phoebe: Hey, you guys!

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: What are you guys doing here?

Chandler: We heard the rumors about the stork, so we decided we had to check it out for ourselves.

Phoebe: Rumors? What rumors? Is the stork okay?

Chandler: Well, it seems he owes Cupid some money, and when he didn't pay, the chubby little cherub sent some guys over to break his wings.

Phoebe: Oh my god! What room is he in?

Chandler: The padded one with the men in white jackets!

Monica: Chandler, go play with the Legos!

Chandler: Fine. But if little Jimmy starts muscling into my neighborhood again, I'm going home.

_Chandler walks away. _

Monica: I swear it's like I'm raising 5 kids.

Phoebe: Five?

Monica: Jack, Erica, this one-

_Monica points to her stomach._

Monica: -Joey, and Chandler.

Phoebe: Well, at least you'll have practice when this one is born.

_Chandler and Mike race by in wheelchairs._

Monica: WHAT are you two doing?

Chandler: We're having a wheelchair race.

_A pause._

Monica: I got 5 bucks says Chandler beats him!

Mike: You're on!

Phoebe: Make it ten!

Monica: Twenty!

Mike: A hundred!

Monica: Done!

Chandler: We don't have that kind of money right now!

Monica: Shut up & wheel, Bing!

_Phoebe turns to the woman seated next to her._

Phoebe: I sleep with him.

Woman: That's nice, dear. Always marry a winner.

Phoebe: We are married.

_Phoebe turns to Mike._

Phoebe: Kick his ass, honey!

Monica: Don't you make me lose that bet!

_Chandler and Mike race past in their wheelchairs. Scene ends and opens in front of Dr. Green's house. Ross and Rachel are standing on the porch._

Rachel: Ready, honey?

Ross: Sure. I mean, I'm just basically walking through the Gates of Hell to meet the devil, but yeah. I'm ready.

Rachel: Ross, please? I know Daddy can be a little abrasive toward you, but can you just try to get along with him tonight? For me?

_Ross sighs._

Ross: All right. But if he starts in, I'm leaving.

Rachel: Thank you. Love you.

Ross: Let's just get this nightmare over with.

_Scene changes to the interior of the house. Enter Ross and Rachel._

Rachel: Hello? Daddy?

_Enter Dr. Green._

Dr. Green: Hi, sweet pea!

Rachel: Hi, Daddy!

_Rachel and Dr. Green hug._

Dr. Green: How's my granddaughter? The only GOOD thing that ever came out of your relationship with that dino-brained loser…

_Ross clears his throat._

Dr. Green: Oh, I didn't see you there, Geller. What're you doing here?

Ross: I, uh, I came with Rachel.

Dr. Green: So I guess she hasn't gotten over that habit of taking in strays. Well, you might as well come in, unless you plan on standing there all night.

_Dr. Green turns and begins walking into the next room. Ross opens his mouth. Rachel elbows Ross._

Rachel (quietly): You promised!

Dr. Green (from other room): Are you coming? Or should I call one of my other daughters to come over, so you can knock her up too, Geller?

_Ross growls. Rachel takes his hand, squeezes it, and walks into the room with Ross._

Rachel: Daddy, Ross and I have some really big news to tell you.

Dr. Green: What?

Rachel: We're getting married!

Dr. Green: You're WHAT?

Ross: Not quite the reaction we were hoping for…

Dr. Green: You're marrying THIS wet head?

Rachel: Daddy! Ross is not a wet head!

Dr. Green: The hell he isn't! He plays with dinosaurs for a living! He cheated on you, got you pregnant outside of wedlock, and now you're standing here, telling me the reason you turned down a successful career opportunity in Paris is to marry HIM? Of all the people you could have picked to marry, you picked GELLER, the wet head? What were you thinking? You should have married Barry!

Rachel: I didn't love Barry!

Dr. Green: Love has nothing to do with it! You could have married Barry, and been financially stable for the rest of your life, but instead you decided to disgrace our family name by marrying this…this…LOSER!

Ross: All right, that's it! I've heard enough out of you!

_Ross whirls around and jabs a finger at Dr. Green._

Ross: You're so busy patting yourself on the back, that you can't see how much your daughter's changed! I made mistakes with her, and we had our ups and downs, but she forgave me for them! I thought you might be able to do the same, but you can't see past your own ego to even do THAT! Emma's going to grow up, wondering why her daddy and grandpa can't even be in the same room with one another, and YOU'LL have to be the one who explains to her that you're a selfish, condescending, egotistical BASTARD! Don't bother showing me to the door, I'll see myself out.

_Ross turns to Rachel._

Ross: See you at home.

_Ross exits. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Annette and Mr. Tribbiani are sitting on the couch, laughing._

Mr. Tribbiani: And when we opened the kitchen door, there was Joey, just covered from head to toe in flour.

Annette (laughing): What did he say?

Mr. Tribbiani: He said he was trying to rescue the jar from a ghost.

_Annette laughs._

Annette: Did you believe him?

Mr. Tribbiani: Not even for a second. His sisters ended up teasing him for weeks, calling him Casper. We figured that was punishment enough.

_Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey.

Annette: Hi, Casper.

Joey: What?

Mr. Tribbiani: I was just telling Annette about the time you tried to blame the flour jar falling on you on a ghost.

Joey: Dad!

Annette: A ghost, Joey?

Joey: It really WAS a ghost!

Annette: Is this the same ghost that supposedly keeps stealing my cookies?

Joey: You saw him too?

_Annette shakes her head, and stands up._

Annette: I have to get to work. It was nice meeting you, Joe.

Mr. Tribbiani: And it was nice meeting you too, Annette.

_Annette walks off. Joey turns to his dad._

Joey: How could you tell her about Casper?

Mr. Tribbiani: Son, you remember what your mother and I always told you when you were growing up?

Joey: "Don't make that face at your sisters, or it'll freeze like that"?

Mr. Tribbiani: No, the other thing.

Joey: "Don't eat the yellow snow"?

Mr. Tribbiani: No, the thing about dating.

Joey: "Quit spying on your sister and her date"?

Mr. Tribbiani: No! There's someone out there for everyone.

Joey: You and Ma never told me that.

Mr. Tribbiani: Maybe it was Gina we told that to...anyway, the point I'm trying to make is, Annette's your someone.

Joey: We haven't even been dating that long!

Mr. Tribbiani: Your ma and I only went on two dates before we were married. Besides, she beat you in a hot dog eating contest. You know how rare it is for a Tribbiani to be beaten in an eating contest?

Joey: Not since Uncle Stan beat you that one Thanksgiving.

Mr. Tribbiani: He cheated! He HAD to have!

Joey: He didn't cheat, Annette did!

Annette: I heard that!

_Scene ends and opens in an exam room. Monica is sitting on the table. Chandler is standing nearby._

Chandler: Love you.

Monica: Don't talk to me.

Chandler: I said I was sorry!

Monica: You made me lose a bet, Chandler! AND you almost ran over that poor woman! You should've been more careful!

Chandler: ME? YOU were the one standing there yelling, "Bowl her over, Bing!"

Monica: You swerved!

Chandler: I didn't swerve, Mike shoved me!

_Enter the doctor._

Doctor: Sorry to keep you waiting.

Monica: That's fine.

Chandler: Sorry about running over your foot.

Doctor: Oh, that's all right. The blood spurting into my shoe made a nice gel insert.

_The doctor opens the folder, and looks at its contents._

Doctor: Well, I have good news for you. You're not pregnant.

Monica: What? How can that be? I came in here for a trimester exam!

Doctor: Aren't you A. Peters?

Monica: No, we're the Bings!

Doctor: My files must have gotten mixed up when that other guy you were racing dashed by my clerk. Excuse me; I'll get yours in just a moment.

_The doctor leaves. Monica turns to Chandler._

Monica: Did you hear what he just said?

Chandler: Yeah. Mike cheated in that race.

Monica: Not that! Although, that's grounds for a rematch. A. Peters, Chandler! You don't suppose he meant Annette, do you?

_Monica and Chandler look at each other. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table, grading papers. A knock is heard. Ross walks over, and opens the door, to reveal Dr. Green._

Ross: Rachel isn't here, Dr. Green.

Dr. Green: I know. She left my place about an hour or two ago. I'm here to talk to you, Geller. Can I come in?

_Ross steps aside. Dr. Green enters, and closes the door._

Ross: I think we both said everything that could be said earlier.

Dr. Green: No, we didn't.

Ross: So what, you're here to tell me how much of a failure I am, and how I'm not good enough for Rachel, no matter what I say or do?

Dr. Green: No, actually, I came over to apologize for the way I acted toward you earlier.

_Ross stares in disbelief._

Dr. Green: What?

Ross: I'm sorry, it's just...that was the last thing I expected to hear you say.

Dr. Green: Believe me, I wouldn't normally be doing it, but after you left, I got read the riot act by Rachel.

_Ross and Dr. Green shudder._

Ross: I'm sorry to hear that.

Dr. Green: It's not your fault. Look, Geller, you were right about the things you said to me. I HAVE been hard on you, because when she began dating you, I was still seeing her being married to Barry. I didn't think you were good enough for Rachel, and even more so after you cheated on her.

Ross: We were on a break!

Dr. Green: Break or not, it doesn't matter. You still cheated on her. And I judged you based solely on that. But after tonight, after seeing how you stood up to me, and how Rachel stood up for you, made me realize that maybe it's time I DID put the past behind me, and start accepting you. Whether I like it or not, you and Rachel are getting married. So, from this selfish, condescending, egotistical bastard...I'm sorry.

Ross: Thanks...Dad.

_Dr. Green glares._

Ross: Dr. Green?

Dr. Green: Leonard. Baby steps, Ross.

_Dr. Green holds out his hand. Ross smiles, and shakes it. _

Dr. Green: Welcome to the family.

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Daddy! What are you doing here?

Dr. Green: Hi, sweet pea. I came over to talk to Ross.

Rachel: What, to berate him some more and make him feel like dirt in OUR home?

Dr. Green: Of course not. I-

Rachel: What? Threatened his job, made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me?

Ross: Rach-

Rachel: Because if that's what all this was about, let me tell you something! I love him, and we're going to be married, whether you like it or not!

Dr. Green: Rachel, no one is-

Rachel: And if you think you can stop it, you better just think again! Because I'll-

Dr. Green and Ross: RACHEL!

Rachel: WHAT?

Ross: He didn't come over to berate me or anything like that, he came over to apologize.

Rachel: Really?

Dr. Green: Yes. Whether I agree with it or not, you and Ross are getting married. So I can either be mad about it, or accept it. I chose to accept it.

Rachel: Oh, Daddy, thank you!

_Rachel hugs Dr. Green._

Dr. Green: You're welcome, honey. Have you two given any thoughts to where you want to be married at?

Ross: Well, since we can't afford a big wedding, we figured a simple ceremony here in town.

Dr. Green: Absolutely not! She's the first of my daughters to be married, she deserves her big day. I'll be paying for this.

Rachel: Really?

Dr. Green: Really.

Rachel: Honey, we can afford that Hawaii wedding now!

Dr. Green: Hawaii is overrated. Why not the Bahamas?

Ross: Because Phoebe and Monica are pregnant, and they'll smash everything in sight if they can't be there.

Dr. Green: Then as my wedding present to you two, I'll fly everyone there on my private jet. None of your friends are missing that wedding.

_Rachel squeals._

Rachel: Ross, we're getting married in the Bahamas!

_Rachel hugs Ross. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Annette is standing by the couch, talking to herself._

Annette: Okay, tables cleared, floor swept and mopped...oh, right.

_Annette walks over and knocks on a door._

Annette: Hey closet people, you got five minutes to finish. I'm closing up.

_Annette walks into the back. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Tribbiani, from the closet._

Mrs. Tribbiani: Well, that was...exciting.

Mr. Tribbiani: The kids were right: that IS fun.

_Mr. and Mrs. Tribbiani walk out the door._

_**(Silence will fall...when the question is asked.)**_


	13. The One With The Lecture

_Scene opens in Phoebe and Mike's bedroom. Phoebe and Mike are asleep in bed. Phoebe sits up and shakes Mike._

Phoebe: Mike! Mike, wake up!

_Mike rolls over._

Mike: What?

Phoebe: I just had a terrible thought about the baby!

_Mike sits up._

Mike: Oh my god, is everything all right?

Phoebe: Honey, what if our baby grows up to be…a Republican?

_Mike glares at Phoebe._

Mike: I'm going back to sleep now.

_Mike lies back down. Phoebe reaches over, and dials a number._

Monica (sleepily from phone): Hello?

Phoebe: Monica! I just had a terrible thought! What if our baby grows up to be a Republican?

_Scene changes to Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica glares at the phone, before hanging up. Theme song and title sequence plays._

**So no one told you life was gonna be this way.  
>Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA.<br>It's like you're always stuck in second gear.  
>Well, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.<strong>

**But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
>I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.<br>I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Joey are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Annette is sitting in Joey's lap. Mike is sitting at the counter. Phoebe is talking to her stomach._

Phoebe: Mommy loves you. Yes, Mommy loves you, even if you do turn out to be a stuffy conservative. PLEASE don't be a Republican…

Monica: I feel your pain, sweetie. Chandler and I don't want our baby to be a Republican, either.

Chandler: I thought you said "I hope our baby doesn't turn out to be some liberal, tree-hugging hippie who wakes her friends at 2 in the morning over stupid stuff".

_Monica stomps on Chandler's foot. Chandler grimaces in pain._

Monica: Like I said, Chandler and I agree with you. Don't we, honey?

Chandler (weakly): Yep.

Rachel: Hey, how come we didn't get a phone call last night?

Phoebe: I didn't wanna interrupt you guys.

Rachel: We weren't busy at all.

_The gang glares at Rachel._

Rachel: We weren't! Ross started up one of his dino lectures for his class, and Emma and I passed out 5 minutes into it.

Chandler: Congratulations, Ross. Your lectures have reached a whole new level of boring.

Ross: I needed someone to try out my lecture on!

Chandler: And you decided your FAMILY was the right guinea pig to bore to sleep?

Ross: I'll have you know, Emma enjoyed it.

Rachel: Honey, she wasn't enjoying it. Her eyes were glazed over from how BORING it was!

Monica: Hey, Ross? We're having trouble getting the kids to go to sleep. You think you could come over tonight and lecture to them for about 10 minutes?

_Ross bumps his fists together. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, reading out loud._

Phoebe: And this is the color Blue. Blue is a GOOD color, because it's the color of a Democrat.

_Phoebe turns a page._

Phoebe: Oh, and this is Purple. Purple is all right, because it's a middle of the road color. But we don't like red.

_Enter Mike._

Mike: Hi, sweetie.

Phoebe: Hi!

_Mike kisses Phoebe._

Mike: What're you doing?

Phoebe: Reading a color book to the baby.

_Mike walks into the kitchen._

Mike (from kitchen): Uh, Pheebs…why is the page with the color red in the trash can?

Phoebe: Because red represents the Republican party! I am NOT going to have our baby exposed to anything that represents a bunch of stuffy conservatives! I don't want it to end up like your parents!

_Mike walks out and hands Phoebe a spoon and tub of ice cream._

Mike: Honey, I don't think you need to worry about that.

Phoebe: Why?

Mike: Because half of our baby's genes come from you! And NO baby that's half you can possibly be a Republican.

Phoebe: How do you know?

Mike: With the life you've led, & as fun as you are? You CAN'T be a conservative. Besides, Annette and I came from that lifestyle, and we're perfectly fine.

Phoebe: Yeah, but you guys are considered the black sheep of your families.

_A pause._

Mike: Move over.

Phoebe: Why?

Mike: Because now I'm depressed, and I want some of that ice cream.

_Mike sits down on the couch, as Phoebe passes him the spoon. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Annette is working behind the counter._

Monica: Honey, save my seat.

_Chandler looks around the empty coffeehouse._

Chandler: From what? The rampaging hordes of non-existent customers?

_Monica glares at Chandler._

Monica: Just save my seat.

_Monica stands up and walks off. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

_Joey sits down in Monica's seat._

Chandler: Move.

Joey: What?

Chandler: Move over.

Joey: Why?

Chandler: Monica's sitting there.

Joey: So? Am I not allowed to sit next to my best friend in the whole world?

Chandler: Ross started up another dino lecture, didn't he?

Joey: It was horrible, Chandler! He started up on me and Rachel, and we got so bored, we fell asleep!

_Enter Ross._

Ross: Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: You busy?

Chandler: Why, you still working on that lecture?

Ross: Yes.

Chandler: Sorry, I'm protecting Monica's spot from Joey.

Joey: Why do I have to move?

Chandler: Because it's easier for Monica to get up from that spot, that's why. And contrary to what you keep thinking, she did NOT swallow a basketball.

Joey: So how do you explain that bulge under her shirt?

Chandler: She's 4 months pregnant! So is Phoebe! You didn't wonder why Monica's been having mood swings?

Joey: Well, I thought she was just being Monica!

_A pause._

Ross: You know, he's got a point.

Chandler: Yeah, I'll give him that one.

Ross: So, can I bounce a few ideas off of you?

Chandler: Yeah, just give me a second. I gotta do something, won't take long. Just a couple of seconds.

_Chandler turns to Joey._

Chandler: GET UP!

Ross: Is this going to end up being like the time you two fought over the chair?

Chandler: No, because Joey's going to slide his butt over, and get out of Monica's spot.

_Joey props his feet up on the coffee table._

Joey: Actually, I think I'm pretty comfortable right here.

_Scene changes to Monica standing by the counter._

Monica: Hey Annette, can I get a lemonade?

Annette: Sure. But weren't you drinking coffee before, though?

Monica: No. The doctor said caffeine is bad for the baby.

Annette: Really?

Monica: Yeah.

Annette: Then why are you holding a coffee cup in your hand?

_Monica glares at Annette._

Monica (mocking): "Why are you holding a coffee cup in your hands?" Just give me a lemonade!

_Annette hands Monica a lemonade, and begins to wipe the counter._

Monica: Speaking of pregnancies, there's something I've been meaning to mention to you: when we were at the doctor's office the other day, he mentioned that an A. Peters wasn't pregnant. Did you have a pregnancy scare?

_Annette looks up startled._

Annette: Monica, why don't you show me that problem with the sign that you noticed, so we can fix it?

Monica: What are you ta-?

_Annette drags Monica outside. Scene changes to Central Perk's exterior. Monica stares at Annette._

Monica: What was that about?

Annette: How did you find out about my visit?

Monica: The doctor got my records mixed up. So it WAS you?

Annette: Yes. I was late, and I thought I was pregnant, so I went to the doctor. But you CANNOT tell anyone.

Monica: Why not?

Annette: Because I don't want Joey to find out. He'd overreact, and I don't wanna have to deal with it. Does Chandler know about this?

Monica: Yeah, he was in the room with me when the doctor said something.

Annette: Please, I am begging you two. DO NOT TELL ANYONE.

Monica: Okay, we won't say anything to anyone.

Annette: Thank you.

Monica: Now that that's settled: seriously? JOEY?

Annette: Hey, he's better than you think he is.

Monica: Oh, thanks a lot. Now I'm gonna have THAT image in my head all day!

_Annette grins. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the living room, lecturing._

Ross: And that's why the carnivores of the period were thought to live along what we know of today as the Siberian coast.

_Ross turns around, to see Ben and Emma asleep on the couch. Rachel is staring straight ahead._

Ross: Rachel.

_Rachel continues to stare._

Ross: RACHEL!

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: Oh, come on! My lecture wasn't THAT bad!

Rachel: Ross, the KIDS are asleep. What does that tell you?

_Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Are you guys busy?

Ross: Yes, actually. I was in the middle of fine tuning-

Rachel: NO, we're free! What's up?

Phoebe: Can I talk to you?

Rachel: Sure, what's up?

Phoebe: When you were pregnant with Emma, did you ever worry about her turning out like Ross?

Rachel: What, you mean with the whole liking dinos thing?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: No, I worried more about her getting my old nose.

Phoebe: Well, I'm really worried that our baby will turn out to be a Republican.

Rachel: Why?

Phoebe: Have you MET Mike's parents?

Rachel: Phoebe, have you met YOU?

Phoebe: What's that supposed to mean?

Rachel: It means you are the most free-spirited person I know. You live each day like you're in some kind of romance movie, you believe in reincarnation, you talk to the spirit of your dead grandma, and you never seem to have a bad day. Hell, ROSS and I don't wake up that happy! You are gonna be a great mother, Phoebe. And I highly doubt your baby is gonna turn into a Republican, if it's half you.

Phoebe: Aw, thanks, Rachel.

_Rachel and Phoebe hug. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey, Ross, do you have any-?

_Joey pauses, seeing Rachel and Phoebe, and grins._

Joey: HEEEEEEY.

_Phoebe and Rachel glare at Joey. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, reading. Enter Mike._

Mike: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

_Mike and Phoebe kiss._

Mike: How are you two doing?

Phoebe: We're all right. I'm teaching it why the Republicans are a bad party.

Mike: Phoebe...

Phoebe: Mike, I have to! I can't let this baby end up like your parents!

_Mike sits down on the couch._

Mike: Honey, do you love me?

Phoebe: What?

Mike: Do you love me?

Phoebe: Of course I do!

Mike: Do you trust me?

Phoebe: Yes.

Mike: Even though I grew up in the same house as my parents?

Phoebe: Yes. But you're nothing like them!

Mike: So what makes you think our baby will turn out like my parents?

Phoebe: Because it's half you! Which means it has your parents in it!

Mike: Phoebe, will this baby being a Republican mean you love it any less?

Phoebe: No!

Mike: So why are you freaking out?

Phoebe: Because if it turns into a Republican, it'll grow up to hate me!

_Phoebe begins crying._

Phoebe: And I can't stand the idea of my baby hating me, Mike!

_Mike hugs Phoebe._

Mike: Pheebs, I promise you, this baby will grow up loving you every day.

Phoebe: How do you know?

Mike: Because it's half me, and I love you every day. Every morning when I wake up, I look over at you and thank God that you're my wife. And this baby will think the same thing every day.

_Phoebe smiles and wipes her eyes._

Phoebe: Thanks, Mike. I love you, too.

Mike: I know.

_Phoebe leans in and hugs Mike again._

Phoebe: Mike?

Mike: Hm?

Phoebe: Can we name the baby Rain if it's a girl?

Mike: Uh...we'll discuss that one down the road.

_Phoebe laughs. Scene ends and opens in Joey and Annette's apartment. Annette is sitting in her chair, watching TV. Enter Monica, holding three trays._

Monica: Hey.

Annette: Hey. Whatcha got there?

Monica: Joey's lasagna delivery.

Annette: You're STILL doing those?

Monica: Would you rather drive him an hour to our place so he can raid the fridge at 2 in the morning?

_A pause._

Annette: Carry on.

Monica: Oh, I talked to Chandler. I told him the A. Peters was someone else, so he won't tell Joey about your pregnancy scare.

Annette: Thanks, Mon. I owe you.

Monica: You haven't told Rachel, have you?

Annette: No, and Phoebe doesn't know.

Monica: Why not?

Annette: Because I don't want Mike freaking out and trying to hurt Joey.

Monica: Why would he do that?

Annette: Mike and I were as close as brother and sister growing up, and he's a little...overprotective. So PLEASE don't say anything.

Monica: I won't.

Annette: Thanks.

Monica: So do you wanna-?

_Monica gasps and puts a hand over her stomach._

Annette: What?

Monica: My baby just kicked!

Annette: Really? Can I feel?

_Monica places Annette's hand on her stomach. Annette squeals._

Annette: Oh my god! Monica, that is AWESOME!

Monica: I know!

_Monica and Annette hug, laughing. Enter Joey._

Joey: HEEEEEEEEEEY. Is this my lucky day, or what?

_Monica and Annette glare at Joey. Credits roll._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Ross's classroom. Ross is facing a screen with a PowerPoint slide._

Ross: And so, thanks to Russian scientist Ivan Petroler, we know now that the common blue jay of our era was descended from the large dinosaurs which dominated much of the Jurassic period. Now, in 1928-

_Ross turns around to see the class asleep at their desks. Several snores are heard._

Ross: Maybe I should've listened to Rachel on this one.

_Ross shrugs, turns around, and continues lecturing._


	14. Author's Note

**(A/N Season 12 is on hiatus until further notice. I'm down sick with some kind of virus (prolly the flu, since my boss is a MORON who came in sick with it for over a week), which is kicking my ass from here to Shanghai & back. IDK how long I'll be out with this, but I'm hoping not too long. I'll be back to work on Episode 14 as soon as I can, but not until I can sit in a chair without feeling like I was just beaten across my whole body with a bat. Thank you for your continued patience. And if you don't wanna wait, as Phoebe told Parker, "Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out!")**


End file.
